#(i know she can still cherish him but all of this is so meaningless)

[cherie-doll]

A Shining Star Taken From The Sky | Phillip Graves x Reader one-shot |

✧˚domestic fluff

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

Phillip had felt something within his heart, like the light flap of a butterfly’s wings when he had seen you play with his nieces and nephews at a family gathering. Now, inside his heart was an overwhelming hurricane of feelings as he observed your gentle nature. He’d always imagined him and his future partner with kids, but he didn’t want this with just anybody.

It was a dream, a fantasy he indulged in and hoped to one day make it come true.

You let your head fall against the soft pillowcase; you were exhausted. Phillip’s family made you feel at home and you cherished them all, but his family was so numerous and loving that it could be overwhelming at times.

Sighing contently, you turned to Phillip, but he wasn’t lying on his side of the bed, instead, he was staring out the window at the darkening sky, his back turned to you.

“Phillip?” You called out to him.

He didn’t stir at first and, like falling out of a trance, he turned to you. A soft smile on his face as he lay in bed and wrapped his arms around your waist, closing the gap between you both. A warm feeling fluttered in your stomach as you felt his affection.

“You ever thought of having a little one of our own?”

The question strung you like a chord.

“A baby? From us?” The question was absurd, nevertheless, you hadn’t expected him to ask anytime soon.

He nods and a grin tugs at the corners of his lips, his mind making him excited at the mere thought of having living evidence of the fruit of your love.

“Yeah, a baby,” His mind had already started with several reasons to convince you. “Our relationship is stable, we are financially secure… I don’t see what’s stopping us.”

You bit your bottom lip nervously. It was easy for him to ask for children, no doubt he would provide all the support he could offer, but the one who would be affected the most would be you. It was difficult to admit that the idea of giving birth to a child was frightening.

“Well, a child is a lot of responsibility.” The unease in your voice is evident.

A deep chuckle comes from Phillip. “I’m aware of that. But, we have each other.” Tucking a strand of hair behind your ear he continued speaking. His voice softened, his breath brushing against the shell of your ear. “And don’t think I haven’t seen how caring you are with children. I can already imagine you nurturing our child.” No doubt Phillip had spent a lot of time thinking about this.

You drew in a deep breath.

“I understand, it’s overwhelming for you. But, I think you’re doubting yourself, we’re more than ready.” He said.

It was more than meaningless doubts and hesitance. To make such a significant decision as the existence of someone else’s entire existence was substantial.

At your silence, he raised his head to examine your face.

“Hey, is everything alright?”

You couldn’t repress your thoughts about it anymore when you felt how gentle he was being. He listened and after a moment of silence, he hummed low as he nodded.

“I want to know how you feel.”

“I just told you what I think-” He stopped you there. “No,” he said softly, taking your hands in his. “I want to know what you feel, you already told me your thoughts.”

You took a moment to acknowledge the sentiments buried beneath to override your reasonings.

A firmness was set in your eyes as you glanced into his with a new attitude.

It does not matter how a family comes to be; happiness that comes in any way or form is still considered a blessing.

So, when you held the little girl in your arms, the first thought that came into your and Phillip’s minds wasn’t that biologically she wasn’t yours. The most shining star was taken from the sky and had come to settle on the same stretch of land as you and Phillip to coexist briefly in one another’s world.

[savagewildnerness]

Part V - The Vampire Armand

Posting my book club notes here once again... oof - only just did 'em!

Questions:

"If you had ever felt real longing for any other one, you would know that what you feel for your son is nothing at all.” - Armand says this to Gabrielle.  Is it true?  I think Armand understands longing, but not really love.  Whereas Gabrielle doesn’t long for any other human. But she does love Lestat.  I think, speaking honestly, she often doesn’t love Lestat *enough*, but it doesn’t mean that it is not love.  She *does* love him unconditionally, as I see it. Still, in later times, when Lestat is in despair or near death or in terrible trouble, Gabrielle usually does not come to help her son…

Seeing as Daniel is a vampire now, Lestat could show him his life story wordlessly in his mind.  He doesn’t need to speak it aloud.  Do you think this could be part of the TV show?

P290 Lestat talks of the intimacy of opening your mind as a vampire - it’s described as beyond even the satiation of blood-sharing… so if Lestat verbally talks to Daniel, could this be contrasted with him opening his mind when sharing parts of his story with Louis?  Surely so…?  Also, there’s something about how you can interrupt a spoken conversation, but you have to just listen to something shared directly from the mind…?

Gabrielle speaks in this part of what she desires from immortality.  Has she found the answers she sought?

Will we get any of Armand’s story in S3?  I feel like maybe not.

P305 & 307 Armand’s despair is redolent of Nicolas’.  Do Armand and Nicki meet in mind in some way here in this core-of-self where they need to believe, but instead there is an empty void?

“…he knew no hope, and no grief, and no joy. All those things had come from the Master, and the Master was no more.” - Nicolas could almost say this of Lestat, although Nicolas is FAR more strong-willed and individualistic and obviously an artist.

“And the other secret, which he kept from his followers for their sake, was simply the extent of his ever deepening despair.

That he craved nothing, cherished nothing, believed nothing finally, and took not one particle of pleasure in his ever increasing and awesome powers, and existed from moment to moment in a void broken once every night of his eternal life by the kill” Armand doesn’t rail against it in madness as Nicki does… but the way everything is now meaningless reminds me of Nicki

I began to think of the vampires as elements:

Lestat - the infinite star-filled sky

Nicolas - the bird, flying over the vast wasteland of The World

Armand - the deep, undulating ocean

Louis - Land. Home.  Safety.  Respite.

Gabrielle - waterfalls and rain and running water in streams and rock pools

Marius - the mountains - proud and eternal

Maharet - Earth: clay and soil

Akasha - blood.

“I thought of the night in the inn when I had seen the meaninglessness of life, and the soft fathomless despair of Armand's story seemed an ocean in which I might drown. This was worse than the blasted shore in Nicki's mind. This was for three centuries, this darkness, this nothingness.”

Again, a shared desolation at the core of both Armand and Nicolas.

p310 Trying to work out Lestat’s philosophy as a vampire and to get to the root of what Lestat cannot abide about the Theatre des Vampires…… Lestat does not wish to deceive mortals.  He wants to live amongst mortals, but without deceiving them.  His philosophy appears to be that it is fine to enjoy life as a mortal and for mortals to perceive you as a mortal.  Where it gets confused for me is when Lestat starts to think on his human topics of art and expression and goodness and emotion and humanity.  He says that when *he* stood on the stage at Renaud’s and terrified everyone he was revealing himself, not being deceitful… yet he finds Marius’ art - which replicates human art - painting angels and skies to be “good” whereas he finds Nicolas’ art, in which Nicolas does not lie about the monster he is, but rather reveals it… to be “petty”.  Lestat, I think, realises his hypocrisy as attested by this here - “I saw the little stage at Renaud's and I heard myself sing and the singing become a roar. Nicolas said, "It is splendid." I said, "It is petty." And it was like striking Nicolas. In my imagination he said what he had not said that night: "Let me have what I can believe in. You would never do that.””  Here it is Marius who is deceiving and Nicolas who is not here, yet it is Nicolas’ art Lestat cannot abide.  This makes me wonder whether it is about the art at all?  Lestat loves to tell us what a fabulously wonderful, evil vampire he is - the beastliest beast!  But he hates anything that reminds him of the inhumanity that’s in his core.  Maybe this is in fact a thing he and Louis share?  Lestat knows this of himself (whereas Louis has to learn to understand and accept it as part of himself as he splits himself into good-Louis and bad-Louis-who-is-not-Louis).  Anyway, all this to say I think there is a lot of hypocrisy in Lestat’s stance here and denial of his own terror of what he is - understandably so!

The theatre for Armand is actually Gabrielle’s idea and it is Gabrielle who pushes Armand to it.  Does she see something at the heart of Armand and Nicolas that could connect since she can hear both of their thoughts?

I wonder if we’ll see Armand in the theatre much in this era?

I adore the prose of the start of this section.  In terms of the way the prose is written, it’s perhaps my favourite moment in Anne’s writing - like an actual poem; resonant, sensual and satiating.  I love it so much that I would personally have this entire section as VoiceOver to this scene in S3 myself!  I especially love the bold quote

“Spring rain. Rain of light that saturated every new leaf of the trees in the street, every square of paving, drift of rain threading light through the empty darkness itself.

And the ball in the Palais Royal.

The king and queen were there, dancing with the people. Talk in the shadows of intrigue. Who cares? Kingdoms rise and fall. Just don't burn the paintings in the Louvre, that's all.

Lost in a sea of mortals again; fresh complexions and ruddy cheeks, mounds of powdered hair atop feminine heads with all manner of millinery nonsense in them, even minute ships with three masts, tiny trees, little birds. Landscapes of pearl and ribbon. Broad-chested men like cocks in satin coats like feathered wings. The diamonds hurt my eyes.

The voices touched the surface of my skin at times, the laughter the echo of unholy laughter, wreaths of candles blinding, the froth of music positively lapping the walls.

Gusts of rain from the open doors.

Scent of humans gently stoking my hunger. White shoulders, white necks, powerful hearts running at that eternal rhythm, so many gradations among these naked children hidden in riches, savages labouring beneath a swaddling of chenille, encrustations of embroidery, feet aching over high heels, masks like scabs about their eyes.

The air comes out of one body and is breathed into another. The music, does it pass out of one ear and into another, as the old expression goes? We breathe the light, we breathe the music, we breathe the moment as it passes through us.

Now and then eyes settled on me with some vague air of expectation. My white skin made them pause, but what was that when they let blood out of their veins themselves to keep their delicate pallor? (Let me hold the basin for you and drink it afterwards.) And my eyes, what were those, in this sea of paste jewels?

Yet their whispers slithered around me. And those scents, ah, not a one was like another. And as clearly as if spoken aloud it came, the summons from mortals here and there, sensing what I was, and the lust.

In some ancient language they welcomed death; they ached for death as death was passing through the room. But did they really know? Of course they didn't know. And I did not know! That was the perfect horror! And who am I to bear this secret, to hunger so to impart it, to want to take that slender woman there and suck the blood right out of the plump flesh of her round little breast.

The music rushed on, human music. The colors of the room flamed for an instant as if the whole would melt. The hunger sharpened. It was no longer an idea. My veins were throbbing with it. Someone would die. Sucked dry in less than a moment. I cannot stand it, thinking of it, knowing it's about to happen, fingers on the throat feeling the blood in the vein, feeling the flesh give, give it to me! Where? This is my body, this is my blood.

Send out your power, Lestat, like a reptile tongue to gather in a flick the appropriate heart.

Plump little arms ripe for the squeezing, men's faces on which the close-shaven blond beard all but glitters, muscle struggling in my fingers, you haven't got a chance!

And beneath this divine chemistry suddenly, this panorama of the denial of decay, I saw the bones!

Skulls under these preposterous wigs, two gaping holes peering from behind the uplifted fan. A room of wobbling skeletons waiting only for the tolling of the bell. Just as I had seen the audience that night in the pit of Renaud's when I had done the tricks that terrified them. The horror should be visited upon every other being in this room.

I had to get out. I'd made a terrible miscalculation. This was death and I could get away from it, if I could just get out! But I was tangled in mortal beings as if this monstrous place were a snare for a vampire. If I bolted, I'd send the entire ballroom into panic. As gently as I could I pushed to the open doors.

And against the far wall, a backdrop of satin and filigree, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, like something imagined, Armand.

Armand.”

Lestat seeing the skulls beneath the flesh reminds of of vanitas-based art.

I notice that Lestat often talks of the apple trees in the orchard when his mind goes back to his and Nicki’s mortal life back at home.  All sorts of connections here - from Eve, to innocence and to the actual memory [p51] “Spring was approaching, the mountains were dappled with green, the apple orchard starting back to life.  And Nicolas and I were always together.”

Armand is so cruel here - the way he gives Lestat a vision of being mortal here and then attacks him - he literally uses Lestat’s greatest, impossible yearning against him and then also replicates his rapey turning - what an attack… but I guess in retaliation, Lestat *does* nearly kill him, so…. I would love to see Armand give Lestat (& Daniel) these kinds of overwhelming visions on the show!  And I am sure he will to Nicolas and Gabrielle too…

In any case, this betrayal, Lestat will never forget.  And though he loves Armand, he knows his danger and he will try to resist him from here on.

Armand’s warnings on page 284 & 285 & 286 about the fledglings he will make - surely it will be on the show - I also love how closely Armand’s words match Lestat’s deepest fears.

“Citadels against time” is such a beautiful phrase (and where the books eventually reach…

Armand proffers the promise of understanding Lestat and Gabrielle, which is really very sad, given how he cannot even understand how to exist himself.

In this whole section, there is so much where each vampire seems to be telling another exactly what they want to hear OR their deepest fear… and it makes me realise - how genuine a conversation can you have when you can read each other’s thoughts.  “Does anyone else know the size of your soul.” Is SUCH a Romantic thing Armand says… and exactly what Lestat would want to hear.

During all of these encounters, I notice how little Gabrielle speaks compared to Lestat.  I wonder if some of Lestat’s words will go to Gabrielle on TV?  I partly hope not, as her silence is part of her, and the way when she does speak it is with her own intent also matters.

Armand references how Nicolas will be destroyed by the dark gift sooner or later pretty much every time he mentions him.

Can we have Assad playing lute please?

The first thing The Children of Darkness teach Armand is the sin of vanity and OH how Lestat is an embodiment of that as Armand would perceive him.

It’s crazy to me that Armand never thought Marius could have sent the dreams of himself being alive… it didn’t occur to Armand in all these centuries to hope?  That’s the saddest thing!

“That is why mortals must be chosen with skill. Those with great passion and indomitable will should be avoided as well as those who have none.” - The Children of Darkness would NEVER have chosen Lestat (or Nicki, or Gabrielle!)

"All things have eluded my understanding," he said. "I am as one whom the earth has given back, and you, Lestat and Gabrielle, are like the images painted by my old Master in cerulean and carmine and gold.” - I love how poetic Armand can be.

It’s funny how quickly vampires get used to hearing each other’s thoughts.  The concept seems hideous to me!

There was so much talk of Armand caging Louis in Dubai, but p308 - Armand has always been caged himself

Lestat wonders how Armand could believe in The Children of Darkness… not after they burned Maris… but after they burned ART! “"How could you have ever believed anything that they told you after they burned those paintings?" I asked. "How could you have given yourself over to them?"” ��Kingdoms rise and fall. Just don't burn the paintings in the Louvre, that's all.”

P310 “You say things that mean nothing to me.” LOL!  Speak your truth Armand!

P311 - Armand and Lestat arguing over which one of them is more heartbroken made me laugh; Lestat longing for mortality; Armand for belief

P312 - Armand truly was never much part of the real world, even as a human.

“The theatre of the Vampires! I should rather the fire.” - Armand the comedian.  Desperately want Assad delivering this, deadpan.

“"What did Lestat call it? Petty?"

"That was to Nicolas because Nicolas would build fantastical philosophies upon it,”” - Spoken by Gabrielle as if Lestat didn’t spend his entire mortal life constructing fantastical philosophies around the meaning of and goodness in art!

I feel really sad for Armand at the end here.  Gabrielle and Lestat are telling him what he needs or wants to hear, rather than speaking their truth.  A horrible, sad, inevitable ending they leave him to.

But Armand still speaks *his* truth, and I love when he does. - “"I have asked myself that question," Armand answered, "many times. Was it spiritual or was it voluptuous? Was the angel painted on the triptych caught in the material, or was the material transformed?””  UGH, I love you, Armand!!!  His thoughts on art are a mix of philosophy and magic and yum yum yum.

The only thing important to ME is to go to an extreme!

I think Lestat simultaneously wishes Nicolas didn’t exist anymore at this point and he cannot bear the prospect of him not existing.  I think Nicolas will remain forever a cipher to what a human life could have been for Lestat - his only experience of mortal love and life and creating art as a mortal, and loving art created by another mortal.  The idea of them living together: loving, creating, laughing, growing old and dying and it all as beautiful as the orchard of apple trees… it’s the eternal “what if” that can never be reached.  The only impossible in an eternity of possible.  Nicolas no longer existing is the last thing that makes this truly unreachable, in all certainty.  Nicki is Lestat’s link (LOL, I typed KINK there! Hahahahahahahaha!) To his human self.  Their conversation is the unreachable.  In a way, Lestat needs Nicolas to exist for himself more than for Nicolas - this aching circle of tragedy in which it is partly kinder for Nicolas to die rather than to suffer as he does.

“"Maybe as the years pass," he said, "desire will come again to me. I will know appetite again, even passion.” - Armand sounds so Louis here!

There is so much grief here - Armand’s emptiness feels like grief and Lestat speaks of his own grief - for himself, for Nicolas, for Paris and for Armand.

Gabrielle: “"I tell you, I don't care if I never look upon another one of our kind," she said coldly. "I am done with their legends, their curses, their sorrows. And done with their insufferable humanity, which may be the most astonishing thing they've revealed.” LOL - how hilarious that Gabrielle should say this to Lestat of all beings, hahahahaha! Also, Lestat is mean to say Armand has no imagination - think of all the wild conjurings Armand can create in anyone’s mind!!!

The very end of this part is sad as the chasm between what Gabrielle desires and what Lestat does really splits open.  Gabrielle’s desires frighten Lestat and Lestat’s desires are a horrible trap to Gabrielle.  Lestat, remembering his conversation with Nicolas while with Gabrielle who doesn’t even want to tell Lestat one story - still unwilling to teach him any thing for 5 minutes of time, even now.

Gabrielle going to sleep in The Earth, digging like a beautiful witch will be visually STUNNING on TV!

The sadness of the end of this part, juxtaposed with the amusingness of Lestat’s postcard to Marius is very funny!

[yesmaddyposts]

I put this in a comment and then realized I should probably actually "ask" it, haha. I'd love to see with Jody/Colt with #1 Touch starved/cuddles. I feel like they are both super realistic candidates for it given their year of separation... Esp given Jody's attempt to say she had a lot of "far superior" experiences during their time apart, but that was obviously a lie since she was 100% still in love with him from his first appearance back into her life, just more hesitant to let him back in... I specified #1, but they'd be perfect candidates for all of these prompts

Put That Guy In a Situation™️ Ask Prompts Game No. 1 : Touch-starved/cuddles

Fandom: The Fall Guy (2024) Word Count: 700 Relationships: Colt Seavers X Jody Moreno Tags: Post Canon, Hospitals, Sleepy Cuddles, Romantic Fluff AO3 Link

Description: Jody's inner musings as she watches Colt sleep in the hospital after the events of the film.

Hospitals are never quiet, even at night. There is always a sound coming from somewhere: the hissing of the oxygen from Colt’s cannula, beeping machines, shuffling of the overnight nurses going between rooms, groaning and complaining patients from next door. Jody isn’t supposed to be here this late, but when the nurse came in to tell her that it was time to leave, one look at her desperate face was enough for them to back out of the room with understanding in their eyes.

Now, Jody watches Colt sleep with the sort of intensity she only ever gives to something she is passionate about. Like when she is tracking a subject with her camera, ensuring the best angles are captured in time with the rhythm of the scene. A song only she can hear. Her gaze dances to that song now, looking over all of Colt’s wound dressings. He sleeps on his back with a pillow tucked under him to support his spine. There are butterfly bandages across his nose and cheek, and staples disappear into his hairline on the left side of his head. His hospital gown is sheer enough to see more bandaging around his ribs, but the blankets pooling at the base of his sternum cover the rest. One of his hands is outstretched over the bed, the other shoved under his pillow close to his ear.

God, she’s been so worried about him. Even before all this Metalstorm nonsense, she didn’t stop worrying about him for an entire year. All that worry mutated into a simmering rage when she locked eyes with him on the beach. It was fun for a moment during the fireburn to get petty revenge for everything he put her through. She delighted in seeing him uncomfortable while she updated him about her sex life in his absence. But after it was done she felt hollow. A type of cold spread throughout her that no amount of weighted blankets or meaningless hookups could chase away. 

Kissing him was the only thing that warmed her back up. Feeling his hands on her cheeks, grip so firm yet still gentle like she was something to be cherished. It was the type of cliche sensation that could only be read about in romance novels or seen in sappy films. But for her it had been real. She craves that feeling now, even though she knows he is in too bad of shape to do much about it. Jody reaches out to hold Colt’s limp hand. She traces along the lines of his palm, strokes the tip of her fingernail up his fingers. It doesn’t feel like anything on her end, but his own hand twitches at the contact.  

Colt’s eyelids flutter and his breathing catches as he wakes. Groggily, his gaze settles on her, then drops down to their hands. Jody doesn’t pull away, doesn’t disturb the not-quite-silence of the hospital room with an apology for waking him. Colt doesn’t look bothered. Instead, he closes his hand around Jody’s and gently tugs it towards him. Whatever he is trying to suggest doesn’t translate, and she just lets her hand go lax as he pulls on her again.

“C’mere,” Colt finally says, voice deepened from sleep.

He carefully shifts over in the hospital bed, trying to create space on one side. When he tugs on her arm again, understanding dawns on Jody. That warmth from earlier pours through her veins. She toes off her shoes and crawls into the bed with him. It’s a tight fit, and the mattress is stiff underneath her. But that hardly matters as Colt pulls her arm to gently drape across his middle with a satisfied sigh. She presses as close as she can without disturbing any of his multitude of injuries, tucks her face into his neck. She has missed the way he smells, missed the feeling of his stubble on her skin. 

Now she closes her eyes and drinks in everything she hasn’t had in eighteen months, delighting in the knowledge that there is plenty more of this to come in the future. The sounds of the hospital become muted, and eventually fade away altogether as she drifts off to sleep.

[sidekick-hero]

Lay all your love on me

This is for Alice (@yournowheregirl), who had this wonderful idea of Eddie taking care of a sad Steve. I tried to make it as soft and loving as possible and I really hope you like it!

Happy Valentine's Day, my dear 💜

(steddie | explicit | 4.6k | AO3 Link)

Valentine's Day used to be something Steve loved.

Back in the old days, when he had ruled the halls of Hawkins High and all the pretty girls had hoped to be his sweetheart for that day, to find a card from the Steve Harrington in their locker, Valentine’s Day had been his favorite day of the year.

With Nancy, it had also been a pretty great day. He had learned that she liked the ballet, so on their second Valentine's Day together, he had taken her to Indy to see a performance of the local ballet, and even though it hadn't been his thing, the look on her face had been the best gift she could have given him. That and the amazing blowjob in his car when they had parked in a cornfield on the way back to watch the stars.

Halloween '84 had changed all that. After that fateful party, Valentine's Day had become as much bullshit as the rest of his love life. The breakup had not only made him miserable, it had made him doubt everything he thought he knew about himself.

The next Valentine's Day he had spent getting drunk at some stupid party and sleeping with a girl he didn't even know the name of. Not his proudest day, but misery loves company, and he vaguely remembered her telling him she had been dumped the same day. They had both been looking for a meaningless distraction.

February '86 saw Steve Harrington pulling babes again. Only none of them meant anything. He went through the motions; card, chocolate, roses - the whole nine yards. But his heart wasn't in it. Lisa - or was it Lucy? - had giggled and planted a kiss on his cheek when he showed up at her house. At the movies, they had sat in the back to make out and she had jerked him off while muffling his moans with her clever tongue in his mouth. It had been nice.

She hadn't returned his calls the next day.

In ’87 his life had changed once again. The near end of the world had put things into perspective for him. It had made him realize that it wasn’t meaningless dating he wanted but a partner. Someone to love and cherish. Someone who would love and cherish him in return. Someone who made him want to be better, who challenged him and supported him. Someone who was in it for him, Steve, and not for his reputation or his looks or the money he no longer had.

For one hot minute he had convinced himself that someone was Nancy, that she was still it for him. But that was as much bullshit as it had been in ‘84. Nancy and him, they had their chance, and it did not work out for a reason. He wanted to settle down, she wanted to make it big. Live her dreams and be the strong, fearless, and passionate journalist she deserved to be.

So when Dustin calls him at an unholy hour on the morning of February 14, '87, he picks up on the sixth ring and grumbles, "What the hell?”

"Steve, that's no way to answer the phone." Dustin sounds indignant, the condescending little shit.

"That's how I answer my own goddamn phone when someone calls me on a Saturday before the sun comes up, Henderson."

Dustin remains silent on the other end of the line, and Steve can hear his raised eyebrow. It's a showdown, a battle of wills that Steve will not lose. Not to a goddamn 15-year-old.

The silence holds.

And holds.

"Harrington residence, Steve speaking." He grunts through clenched teeth. It's too early for this shit.

Dustin doesn't even try to hide the smugness in his voice. "Steve, I need you to drive me and El to the miniature golf course this afternoon."

"I have to what now?"

"Aren't you listening? Jesus Christ, Steve." The little bastard is spending too much time with a certain metalhead, Steve thinks. "Me and El have a Valentine's Day date at the miniature golf course this afternoon." The Duh at the end is clear in his tone.

"No, I get that, although how a nice girl like El would want to spend Valentine's Day with someone who can't even say please or thank you is beyond me."

"Oi!"

"But I don't see why I should be the one to drive you. Can't Hopper drive you?" Steve knows that Hopper would love any reason to spy on the boy dating his daughter.

Apparently Dustin does too. "Steeeeeve." He whines. "Come on, man. You know how Hopper is. This won't be a date, but a stakeout followed by the most awkward interrogation ever." When Steve says nothing, Dustin adds, "Don't you want us to be happy, Steve? After all we've been through, don't you think we deserve some happiness, some normalcy?"

Steve folded up like a house of cards.

"Fine. You win. Goddamn it. I'll drive you and El to your date. Happy?"

"Thanks, Steve, I knew I could count on you. Can you pick up Will, Mike, Max and Lucas on the way?"

"Yeah, yeah - WHAT?" He must have heard wrong.

"Oh yeah, Mike and Will want to go to the movies for Valentine's Day, 'cause that's not so obvious, you know? And Max and Lucas are going to the arcade. That's where it all started for them, and the last few years have been really hard on them - "

Steve needs to stop being such a goddamn pushover for these kids, he really does.

"Okay, Henderson, I get it. I'll pick them up." Steve cuts off the tear-jerking monologue. He hears Dustin's enthusiastic 'Awesome' and his own 'Always the goddamn babysitter' comes out fond instead of annoyed. He's so whipped by these kids.

And that's why Steve spends most of his day driving a bunch of 15-year-olds around. And Robin, who calls him just as he's about to leave the house to ask if he can give her a ride to Vicky's. It's her first time spending the night there.

It seems that everyone has a date for Valentine's Day. Everyone except Steve, which makes him the perfect designated driver.

The icing on the cake is that even Keith has managed to get a date, so after dropping Max and Lucas off at the arcade, he heads over to Family Video for his late shift.

Here he has to advise couples on the most romantic movies, help guys find something sweet and plotless enough to make out with without missing too much, or point some girls in the direction of romantic comedies they can watch over ice cream while dreaming of their Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet.

When he finally drags his tired body to his car, it's already 10:30 pm. His feet hurt, his head hurts, and worst of all, there's a heavy weight on his chest and a queasy feeling in his stomach that he can't really explain. He just feels... sad.

Nothing happened. Everyone was fine, even happy. So why is he feeling so sad?

Steve decides to just go home, have a generous helping of the expensive scotch his father hides in his office, and go straight to bed. Tomorrow the sadness will be gone and he will be back to his normal self.

When he gets home, there is another car parked in the driveway. For a horrible second, he thinks it's his parents, but then he recognizes the beat-up van, and he smiles for the first time all day.

Eddie is sitting on his front steps, a six-pack of beer next to him and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. The front light comes on as Steve approaches and the light makes him look unreal, like some kind of appearance straight from heaven.

He looks up and his eyes light up as they fall on Steve. The smile Eddie gives him is a bright and happy thing, even his dimples seem to be so happy to see Steve that they have to come out to say hello. The heaviness in Steve's chest doesn't go away, but it feels a little lighter than it did back in the car.

Eddie gets up and starts walking toward him as Steve comes closer, drawn together like magnets. They stand close, almost touching, when Steve asks, "Eddie, what are you doing here?" He wishes he didn't sound so breathless.

"I figured you'd probably be home, so I came to hang out."

"Oh, great, so you assumed I didn't have a date on Valentine's Day? Jesus, thanks for the vote of confidence. I didn't know I was that pathetic."

The queasy feeling in his stomach is back and it turns his insides sour, the crushing heaviness adding to the sensation. He knows in a distant way that he is being unfair, that Eddie didn't mean anything by it. But it hurts. He hurts.

Steve's sudden outburst catches Eddie off guard. His body swings back, away from Steve, and his doe eyes look even bigger as they scan Steve's face. Steve hates that Eddie almost looks scared for a second. He hates that Eddie thinks, even for a moment, that Steve might hurt him.

"Eddie, I..." his voice breaks, unable to articulate what he barely understands himself.

But it is enough for Eddie to understand. His face softens and he moves back into Steve's space.

"No, I guess I was just hoping you didn't have a date so we could both be single together today and spit in the face of this capitalist holiday."

Steve can't help but roll his eyes at Eddie's dramatic antics. Eddie smiles at him, a gentle thing, and his hand slowly rises to Steve's face before Eddie realizes what he's doing and lets it fall back down.

"Are you okay, Stevie? You don't seem, I don't know, yourself." Eddie tilts his head to the side. "Did something happen, sweetheart?"

It's the goddamn sweetheart that does it. Steve's whole face crumbles and before he even knows what's happening, tears fill his eyes and make his vision swim. He tries to swallow the feeling down, to get himself back under control.

He loses the fight against himself and the first tears start to spill down his cheeks.

"Oh, hey, shit, Stevie. Sweetheart. What's wrong?"

Eddie swoops in and takes him in his arms, as naturally as breathing. Like they do it every day.

Steve tries to speak but can't. He wouldn't even know what to say if he could, so he just pushes further into Eddie and shakes his head where it's pressed against Eddie's chest.

"Okay, you don't have to tell me. But how about we go inside, huh?" Eddie's arms are still around him and he speaks the words directly into Steve's ear.

Steve nods against his chest but doesn't move. Eddie chuckles, the sound vibrating through Steve's body where it's still pressed against Eddie's. Future Steve will be so embarrassed by his behavior.

Steve jumps when he feels Eddie's hand pat his ass.

"Sorry, I was just -" now the hand wanders to his front "trying to find your -" and the hand dips into his front pocket where it closes around his house keys "aha!"

The keys jangle as Eddie opens his front door and Steve takes a shuddering breath. He's not sure if he's glad or disappointed that Eddie didn't try his other pocket first.

They make their way inside and Eddie leads him to the couch in the living room where Steve sits down with a heavy sigh. His eyes had closed on their own, and when he opens them again, Eddie is hovering over him, his eyes soft but his eyebrows knitted in worry.

Steve tries to smile up at him, to tell him it's all right, wants to say sorry, man, not the Saturday night you had in mind, huh? but he can't. He fucking can't. Instead, he asks, "Can you stay?"

Eddie can. Eddie does.

He sinks down on the couch next to Steve, thighs pressed together, shoulders touching. They just sit there, breathing, for several minutes.

"Today just - sucked. I don't know. I just, I - fuck." Eddie looks at him, Steve can feel his eyes on him, but he doesn't say anything, lets Steve find his words.

"I don't want to feel like this, man. Like - " Steve sighs, searching for words. "Like I'm alone." He holds up his hand before Eddie can speak. "I know I'm not. I do. I know I have Robin, the kids. But they all have someone, you know? Someone special. Someone they want around because they love them, because every day is better with them in it. Not because they can do anything for them. Just because they are - they are their person".

Steve looks at Eddie with so much longing in his heart that it threatens to drown him. "I want to be someone's person."

When Eddie doesn't say anything, just looks at him with big eyes, Steve lowers his eyes again and looks at their knees instead. "Sorry, I don't want to be such a bummer, you can go if -"

The hand on his cheek stops him.

"Steve Harrington, you already are someone's person. You have been for months."

Eddie leans in, leans his forehead against Steve's and looks him in the eyes as he says, "I came here hoping you wouldn't have a date so I could feel like I was your Valentine's date. And you can punch me in the face for that if it means you stop looking so fucking heartbroken. But Steve. You are my person, okay? My favorite days are the days I get to see you, even if it's just so you can bitch at me about one of the kids. I want you around all the time. Some mornings I have to force myself to do stupid things like clean my room or take a fucking walk so I'm not standing on your doorstep at the crack of dawn."

Steve can't help but chuckle at the sound of indignation in Eddie's voice when he says clean my room, like it's the worst chore in the world. Eddie smiles at his reaction.

"I want to hear your laugh more than I want to hear Metallica live. I know it's not much. But you are my person and you will never be alone.

Steve is in Eddie's lap before Eddie can even close his mouth.

"Say it again. Eddie, please. Say it again." Steve almost begs, his lips inches from Eddie's.

"You, Steve Harrington, are my person."

Their first kiss is sweet. Sweeter than Steve would have expected, if he had ever allowed himself to think about it. He jumps right in, wants to show Eddie what his words mean to him, but Eddie immediately slows them down. He makes their kisses small and soft, just lips against lips, and Steve swears he could die from the sweetness of it all.

But at some point their kisses begin to grow longer and longer each time their mouths meet. They also become deeper as Steve slides his tongue between Eddie's supple lips. Steve has never kissed a guy before and he expects it to feel different. And it does, a little. There's stubble on Eddie's cheek where Steve's hand is cupping it, and there aren't soft breasts pressed against his chest, but another hard, muscular chest. But so many things are the same. Eddie lets him take control and there are little gasps and soft moans coming out of their mouths as they hold each other.

It's only when Steve begins to rock against Eddie in his lap that Eddie pulls away. Steve chases his lips, desperate for them to continue, addicted to the feeling of Eddie.

"Steve - Stevie, hey, baby, stop for a minute." Steve does, not sure what's wrong. Eddie cups his cheek, where not long ago tears had made their way across his skin. "Are you - is this okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Honey, you were so upset just a few minutes ago. I don't know, I just don't want to take advantage of you. I don't want you regretting this tomorrow."

Steve is pretty sure that Eddie is his person too.

"It's more than okay. This feels so good, Eddie." As if to prove his point, Steve rocks against him again to let Eddie feel how good it feels for Steve.

"Okay, okay, I get it. You want me to make you feel even better, baby?"

Steve wants. Oh, how he wants.

He doesn't answer, just dives right back in and crashes their lips together. What started out sweet and tender turns messy and desperate in seconds. It's as if Eddie has unleashed some kind of hungry beast in Steve's chest.

He bites Eddie's lower lip and enjoys the feeling of Eddie's hips thrusting up in response. Eddie's hands roam his body, never able to stay still for long. The metal of his rings feels warmer than Steve expected, like an extension of Eddie's thick fingers on his skin.

A high-pitched whimper falls from his mouth as Eddie's thumb finds his nipple and strokes over it, again and again. His shirt is in the way, restricting the movement of Eddie's hands, so he pulls his hands from where they are buried in Eddie's hair to pull the shirt off his body.

Eddie's mouth catches his nipple before Steve can dive back in for another kiss.

"Shit. Fuck. Eddie." Steve's hands find their way back into Eddie's hair, unable to do much more than hold on for the ride. The heavy feeling in his chest is forgotten. All Steve feels is heat and desire and some undefined thing starting to bloom where the heaviness used to be.

He's lost in the sensation that is Eddie, all around him. His smell, his skin, his fucking mouth. Suddenly there are teeth scraping over his already abused nipple and Steve almost loses it and comes in his pants like an inexperienced freshman. Jesus Christ.

Steve feels Eddie's smug smile against his skin. He wants nothing more than to feel more of him, to feel everything, so he reaches for Eddie's fly with only slightly trembling hands. He has already undone the button and is about to pull the zipper down when Eddie's hands close over his. Eddie's sinful mouth has left Steve's nipple to say something, and Steve shudders at the sudden coldness he feels on his spit-slick skin.

"Sweetheart, slow down. Let me make you feel good, okay? No need to reciprocate. I just want to take care of you."

Steve melts at the sentiment behind those words, and his heart soars at the knowledge that, for once, someone wants to take care of him, not the other way around. But if Eddie thinks this will make Steve want to devour him less, he must not know Steve at all. Instead of slowing down, he slaps Eddie's hands away and goes for the zipper of his jeans again.

"You make me feel good, Eddie, so good. I wanna make you feel good, too. Wanna feel you." Steve babbles, trying to coordinate his rocking hips and searching hands. There is too much blood going south for him to multitask efficiently.

Eddie growls deep in his chest and grips Steve's wrists tightly. "I said slow down, sweetheart." With that, Eddie puts Steve's hands behind his back, one over the other, and doesn't let go.

"You want to run this show? Go ahead. Take what you need, baby." He leans back against the couch and looks up at Steve with dark, dark eyes.

Steve whines at the loss of contact, at the restriction Eddie has put on his hands, but his face is flushed and his erection is straining against his jeans. He's never done this before, never been exposed like this, his needs and desires laid bare by Eddie's skillful hands and gentle heart.

So Steve takes what he wants, just as Eddie asked.

He slides forward to sit more firmly in Eddie's lap, so he can feel Eddie against him as he begins to rock back and forth more urgently. There's delicious pressure against his dick, but it's not enough. No matter how fast or slow he moves, he can't get anywhere near where he wants to be.

Steve clenches his thighs and presses down on Eddie's firm thighs as he rolls his hips back and forth, moans and groans falling from his lips with increasing desperation. He wants - he needs -

"Eddie, please. Please, it's not enough, I need - " Another breathy whimper.

"What do you need, baby? Tell me. Everything. I'll give you everything."

Eddie is just as affected as he is. His pupils are dilated to twice their normal size, the beautiful brown of his irises swallowed by hungry blackness. His hands tremble where they still grip Steve's behind Steve's back, and Steve squeezes them gently. It calms a part of him to know that he's not alone, that they're in this together. It gives Steve hope that it means something to Eddie, too.

"I need you, Eddie. I don't care, I just want you. I wanna feel good with you."

Before Steve knows what's happening, the hands around his wrists disappear and slide under his ass to where it meets his thighs. Eddie leans forward and brings his lips right up to Steve's. Before he kisses him, deep and dirty, he whispers against them, "Hold on tight, baby."

He barely manages to wrap his hands around Eddie's shoulders before the other man stands and lifts him into his arms. Steve instinctively wraps his legs around Eddie's waist and the hands under his thighs press him tightly against Eddie's body.

Holy. Shit.

They stumble up the stairs and Steve feels Eddie tremble under his weight. He wants to ask him to put him down so he can walk, but his mouth is busy being devoured by Eddie's lips and tongue.

Thank God he left his door open because he doesn't think Eddie would have been able to hold him up and open the damn door. As it is, they tumble inside and towards his unmade bed. Steve is glad that Eddie is too busy to see the plaid monstrosity that is his room. He wants Eddie to have a nice, mind-blowing orgasm before he has to see this.

He expects Eddie to drop him on the bed, maybe even throw him down in another show of strength. Eddie does not.

Instead, he drops to his knees on the bed and lowers Steve onto the mattress with such gentle care that Steve almost forgets why they're here. He's still hard and aching in his jeans, but the burning need has subsided for now. He lifts his hand to Eddie's cheek, cupping it gently as he looks deep into the soft chocolate button eyes.

"Hi," he whispers.

Eddie leans down and nudges Steve's nose with his own.

"Hi," he replies, smiling down at Steve.

Their next kiss starts out sweet - lips sliding against each other, little nips and kitten licks, but soon the fire between them is rekindled. Eddie is still kneeling between Steve's spread legs, and as he leans back to look down at Steve, his hands find their way to Steve's jean-clad thighs.

"Let me take these off you, yeah?" Steve nods and watches with rapt attention as Eddie slowly undresses him. "So goddamn pretty, Stevie. You're gorgeous, inside and out."

His cheeks are burning and he's afraid that the tears that are starting to gather in his eyes will fall if he doesn't do something. He grabs Eddie's left hand, stroking his hipbone, and pulls him closer so he can kiss him. "You too." He tugs at Eddie's shirt to show what he means. He still means both.

Eddie removes his own clothes with efficiency, and Steve thinks that next time he'll take his time to uncover and appreciate every inch of Eddie's body.

Soon they're both naked, Steve on his back with his head on the pillow and Eddie still between his legs. They drink each other in and Eddie leans down to plant a soft kiss on Steve's lips. He seems to be waiting for something, but Steve doesn't know what.

"Eddie, tell me what to do, what do you want?"

"Baby, you don't have to do anything, okay? Let me do all the work for once. I want to." He chuckles at Steve's puzzled look. "I really do. I want to make you feel good. I want to see you fall apart at my hands and I want to put you back together again. If you let me." He gently bites Steve's jaw. "Please say you'll let me." Another bite at his throat, just as soft. "Please, baby, let me make you feel good."

Steve squirms on his sheets, his hips jerking in a futile search for friction.

"Yes, anything. Please. Anything. I want you to."

After that there is no need to speak. There are sounds from Steve's lips and showers of dirty praise from Eddie's, but both know what they want, what they need. Like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly, soft protrusions and sharp edges fitting just so.

Eddie takes his time, kissing and licking every inch of golden skin he can reach. When he bites, it's soft, affectionate. It still leaves marks and Steve welcomes each one because they mean this is real, this is happening.

Steve lets Eddie do what he wants to him, pliable and so responsive to every touch, to every word of worship and praise, that Eddie kisses against his skin. He never knew it could be like this, never felt so completely loved and cared for. It seems like days go by as Eddie worships every single part of him.

When Eddie finally takes him in his mouth, Steve thrashes against him, overwhelmed by the sensation. He's on edge for what feels like hours, gripping himself tightly at the base to hold back his orgasm.

He's still in Eddie's mouth and Eddie has the audacity to smile up at him through long lashes, his lips stretched wide around Steve's girth, winking at him. Steve's groan is almost painful. He has to look away or not even his hand will stop him from spilling his release into Eddie's cocky mouth.

Not to be deterred in the least, Eddie begins to suck on the head as if it were his favorite lollipop. His tongue swirls around the head and dips into the slit before his mouth sinks down on him in one swift motion.

"Fuck, Eddie. Jesus Christ."

The throaty chuckle is what does him in. Before he knows what's happening, before he can even think of stopping it, he comes down Eddie's throat in hot, messy spurts.

"Shit! No, no, no, no. Fuck. I'm so sorry, Eddie, oh God, I don't know what happened, I didn't mean - "

Eddie silences him with a soft kiss, lips slick with Steve's release. He strokes Steve's cheek and smiles down at him with a blissful expression on his face. "That was the hottest thing I've ever seen, baby."

"But. It was so fast. You didn't."

"To see you lose it like that, baby. To see you writhing and moaning and being so overwhelmed with pleasure that you can't help but come? Steve, sweetheart, that was better than any orgasm I ever had. I wish I could have recorded it, I'm afraid no memory will do it justice."

Steve looks at Eddie, sees the genuine joy on his pretty face, the warmth and affection in his big brown eyes, and wants to believe him. Wants to believe that he didn't have to do anything to deserve it. But it's hard.

"What about you?"

"Nothing. It can wait. Right now I really want to hold you and bask in the afterglow for a while. And maybe later we can get something to eat and watch a movie. What do you think?"

Steve thinks he's in love.

------------------------------

Thank you @legitcookie for being a wonderful cheerleader and beta while also being sick af. Toughest cookie in the jar 💜

[tipsslight]

Random Parallels and Headcanon for Shane and Emily

Shane’s feelings toward Emily can be best described as love-hate. A lot of things in their lives are so different; it couldn’t be any more clashing. Emily is bubbly, energetic, content with life. Shane is… not that. Emily has a job as a barmaid, in a saloon that Gus admits is financially struggling, but she feels like she’s still needed there to help and seems to enjoy the work. Meanwhile, Shane either is working at Joja, which both he and the company doesn’t care at all if he gets fired or quits or ends up in the hospital for drinking too much alcohol, or he’s unemployed and ends up drinking his life away at the saloon. Emily’s relationship with her younger sister Haley is quite tight-knit despite how different they are. Even though Haley acknowledges how weird it is that they’re related, she’s still able to acknowledge that they do truly love and care for each other, and it’s rather effortless, albeit somewhat understated. Meanwhile Shane really has to *try* to show Jas how much he cares about her. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t, nor does it mean that Jas doesn’t care about him, it’s just a much heavier disconnect and showing that love isn’t natural for them, but when it does come through, hoo boy does it warm the heart.

Whenever Shane goes to the bar and grumbles out his daily order of a beer, he’s always greeted with a massive smile from Emily as she hands him his first, his second, his fifth beer. He can’t help but to feel a little bitter about it, because to Shane, Emily’s got everything that he’d want. Happiness, a strong familial bond, a reason to live. She’s even a couple of inches taller than him! As he takes another swig, the jealousy grows. He just can’t help but to feel how unfair life is, but he’s resigned to that fate. He can’t change his meaningless life, there really isn’t anything for him to-

Suddenly, Emily places another drink on the table in front of him, snapping him back to attention. Gus is busy helping Pam on an otherwise quiet night at the Saloon. As per usual, she beams a massive smile. Looking down, it’s just a glass of water. Shane looks up to meet her sparkling eyes. “I always felt like there isn’t a lot to life either, you know? We live our lives until we join those that also moved on. But until then, we just do the best we can to make our lives meaningful. Whether it’s to be at peace with the spirits and beings we can’t see, or to love and cherish those we have in our lives, or even to do the fun little things that makes us happy. All of it is what makes life worth living, even if we don’t think about what’s next. Life’s like a rollercoaster: it’s fun and it’s scary, but it’ll lead us to the end of the ride no matter what.” With that, she turns away to make a drink for Clint, without a glimpse of regret or hesitation on her face. Shane grumbled something under his breath, and drank half of the glass of water before leaving. The kind and understanding words she said hit his chest like a knife and he wanted to stop feeling whatever it was that he was feeling.

As he left the Saloon uncharacteristically early, the thought of her words came spiraling back to him in his drunken state. Emily’s future was just as unclear and unfocused as his. Was she really content with just being a part-time bartender at a saloon? She didn’t have any romantic prospects, aside from Clint but her actions towards him didn’t exactly scream “date me.” What does she want to do with her future? Was it really as fuzzy and unknown like his, a deadbeat uncle that only wishes anything in his life meant anything to him? Even he couldn’t believe it, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized how similar that aspect of her life was to his. But, Emily was somehow still so happy in spite of it.

He could feel his stomach turning into knots, and fluttering into his chest. Maybe he should have eaten something or finished the glass of water he was given. Shane curled up into his bed, and tried to sleep through the pain, knowing tomorrow will just be the same, ordering a first, second, fifth beer from the barmaid with the thousand-mile smile.

[dropintomanga]

HIRAETH - The Middle and The End of It All

Continuing where I left off months ago, it’s time to explore the last two volumes of Yuhki Kamatani’s HIRAETH - The End of the Journey. The ending does end with a sense of loss, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t move forward despite of it.

Talk about suicide and suicidal ideation after the jump, so just a warning.

In Volume 2, the trio of Mika, Hibino, and Hani continue their trip towards the underworld, Yomotsu Hirasaka (also known as Yomi), to die. Along the way, they run into a researcher named Chihiro Awashima, who knows about Hibino’s immortality. While she wants to hopefully use the knowledge of immortality to improve the medical world, Chihiro’s also desperate to find a way to save a friend who’s dying of a terminal illness. Chihiro challenges Mika’s way of thinking (her desire to die after losing her best friend) by saying death is absolutely scary. Hibino tries to ignore Chihiro with vague answers about his immortality and once the trio makes an attempt to escape her grasp, Chihiro appears and collapses in front of them. She the admits that she lied about her friend and that she’s the one who is dying - from cancer. Chihiro then cries out in desperation how much she wants to accomplish something meaningful before dying. 

Hibino and Hani do convince Chihiro to accept her impending death and that her life still has meaning even if she doesn’t feel like it. There’s something Hani to Chihiro says that made me think.

“You believe the meaning of human life is to accomplish something before you die. How fascinating. While I thought of nothing but I was letting go...”

I listened to a podcast about this whole chase to find meaning in life. Sure, meaning means more than happiness. But I now wonder if we’re all being gamified to find meaning/purpose or else we’ll never be successful. It feels no different than trying to be a “personal brand” and sacrificing your mental health for it. It’s okay to accept that things can be meaningless; it doesn’t change the fact that there’s still things worth living for in life. Chihiro’s search for immortality felt like she wanted to feel pragmatically useful to someone who may need her because society told her to.

Near the end of Volume 2, Hani mysterious vanishes in front of Mika and Hibino. The think about how their life turned out as a god. They wondered why they decided to hang around Mika and humor her wish to die. Hani then realizes that there’s a cherished memory they long forgot. A flashback of when Hani and Hibino first met happens. It turns out that Hani was the soulmate Hibino was searching for. Hani returns and while the reunion is a happy one, everyone will go their separate ways the closer they get to Yomi.

At the start of Volume 3, Hibino encounters an old man he met a long time ago, which causes him to unlock traumatic memories of the people who died before him. Hibino keeps a notebook of said people’s words for his memory’s sake and now wants to get rid of it as he feels trapped by them. Mika refuses to let Hibino throw everything away. Hani jumps into the conversation via violent fashion as they felt insulted by Hibino’s actions because they strongly feel memories should be treasured.

The focus on memory becomes important as Hibino reveals that he knew about Hani for a long time and the two already met a long time ago in ancient Japan. After being around each other for a few years, Hani ends up having to disappear. Hibino and Hani would make a promise that they would meet again if somehow Hibino ends up losing his immortality. Yet that memory was long forgotten until Hani displayed insecurity over how they will be remembered, which triggered Hibino’s remembrance.

The subject of holding onto painful memories can be a tricky one to navigate. In modern society, there’s often a bunch of victim blaming towards people who can’t seem to move on from losing loved ones. We’re always told to move forward and ignore the grief that comes with such memories. But as HIRAETH shows, if an immortal and a god struggle with grief and despair, why would anyone think humans can do better?

The ending is a bittersweet one. Hani eventually disappears, but is glad Hibino treasured him. Hibino dies right after Hani disappears. Mika is about to join the afterlife with no hesitation to see her best friend who died, but decides to go back to the world of the living after hearing a bird sing. She credits the new memories she made with Hani and Hibino that made her re-think her desire to die. 

The most touching part of the end is when Chihiro re-appears in the final chapter. She tells Mika that Hibino reached out to her to take care of his personal affairs (which were trivial) before his eventual passing. Both Mika and Chihiro laugh over Hibino’s actions. And Mika says one of the most powerful lines regarding loss with a huge smile on her face.

“I'm so weird. I can’t shake how sad I feel, but here I am, laughing.” 

I’m gonna get into something I haven’t really talked about here. 4 years ago, a pet bird of mine died after having him for 12 years. The morning he died, I saw him looking very ill. I left for work and came home to find him dead. I was in a state of disbelief and sadness. I did tell some of my friends about my pet bird’s death and one of them told me to celebrate their life. Although I’m not going to pretend that my pet bird thought like a human, he looked like he had fun while he was alive because he sung quite a lot in loud and happy fashion. I laugh now when I think about the times my bird made me smile with his behaviors.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been reading up on grief and ways to talk about it without dismissing the subject entirely. One thing that stood out to me was when someone talks about a loved one who passed away, the first thing asked is “What happened to them?” I think people do this because they want to be certain that whatever befell the person who died won’t happen to them. A better thing to say is “Tell me more about them. Tell me how they lived. Tell me what were they liked. Tell me your favorite memories of them.”

There’s a huge collective silence that subtly makes its mark when talking about emotional memories. There’s cases where people might be deemed “too emotional” and put on a “someone to avoid” list. However, if you really want to feel connected to someone, being a bit more emotional than usual is what makes relationships stronger, not weaker.

People going through grief often don’t get a proper chance to talk about the ones they lost with love. There needs to be a better collective response in giving opportunities to them to speak out. Accepting death and all it brings is what really moves us to treasure and move forward in life. At least, that’s what Kamatani is trying to say with HIRAETH and their approach in talking about death.

HIREATH is an amazing manga that talks about a subject rarely talked about in Western culture. It’s uncomfortable to read at times due to so much focus on facing one’s mortality, but the characters make you feel alive and ensure that it’s okay to face it when you have the people you love at your side. And more importantly, accepting the pain of the past can lead to a present and future that you want to fight for and cherish.

To quote a BBC article on the subject of hiraeth (which is a concept in the country of Wales and the source of inspiration for the manga),

"It (Hiraeth) can be quite revealing, in a way. It can give you an idea of how you want to live, so you can try to embody that happiness and bring it with you into everyday life."

[will-you-pick-me]

Who out of all of the LI's, want/don't want to have kids with Y/N?

(Also, Narrator, if you are mostly reading this part rn. You didn't deserve this punishment at all).

Mikey wouldn't want a kid, but mostly because his lifestyle uhhh... Don't really allow for a kid, you know? I mean, he's running a gang. That's no environment to bring a kid up in, and he's... Not really ready to let go of this life. Actually, he might be so deep in it's the only life that's left for him.

Ulrich would want a kid, but for all the wrong reasons - the poor thing would be doomed to the same fate their father is, a miserable and unexciting life of social expectations that are ultimately meaningless. A gilded cage filled with all the finest things, but no true freedom. He'd raise an heir, a business CEO to take his place, not a child.

Zach would find it an honor, if Y/N wanted a child with them, and they'd cherish the child for as long as it lived - but it's a story to end in tragedy, ultimately, because Zach knows they'll outlive both of you. Still, if it makes you happy, they'll gladly bear that sorrow when it eventually comes, and take care of the both of you in your last moments after a life well lived. They'll have strong words with their Father if either of you end up anywhere "downwards", though. They're not letting their family end up in Hell where they can't even visit! It's rediculous! No, Raphael, you listen here---

Jessica will be nervous, but also excited, if Y/N asks to have a child together with her. If you're afab and can carry, she'll be happy to have the child biologically, but if you're not, she's also just fine with adoption or a donor/surrogate - it would still be your child, either way, and she won't love them any less for not being from both or either of your DNA. It's something the two of you would have to talk about at length, to figure out fully.

Jack is ballistically happy - he'll make sure you understand this means likely having a whole litter of actual pups, if you plan on carrying, but if you understand this and still want to, he's out of his mind with joy, and even starts introducing you to people as his mate, instead of girlfriend/boyfriend/partner. He gets a bit more bitey, too, as well as rolling on you/your things so everyone can smell that you're his. He can't help it though - you told him you wanted to start a family! His instincts demand that everyone know who you chose, who you belong to. And, if you choose to carry, then he's definitely building you a blanket nest and making sure you stay there. Parenthood is the trigger for this guy suddenly becoming really competent, and he's out hunting and bringing home food to cook when he isn't fussing over you or making sure the cabin is taken care of. The pups are going to need lots of meat, after all.

Narrator would be in shock. It was a dream of his for you to even acknowledge him as being some form of real, but for you to love him so much you want a family? He's going to be in tears. It will be a while before he can even speak, but he'll be nodding "yes" the entire time he tries to get himself together, and you're not making it out of there without being crushed in a hug. Once he can talk, he's whispering yes over and over, in between asking multiple times if you're really sure. After you've convinced him that yes, you really are sure, you'll get a very hesitant "... Do you want to try right now...?", and if you say yes, well... I hope you have stamina. LOTS of stamina. He's not leaving you alone until he's made sure it'll happen.

[magic-shop-girl]

I'll Be Watching You

Character: Vega/Seira (my Summoner Mc)

Warning : There's a lot of grammatical mistake here 🙏

.

.

.

Sometimes, Vega forgets that he is no longer a normal human.

He is now a sorcerer, a being that doesn't age.

To a sorcerer, age is a meaningless concept.

But not for her. Not for Seira.

.

.

.

"If someday, when I no longer have the strength to wield this bow anymore, would you still love me the same?"

It was a simple question (not really), but it was able to stun Vega into silence.

Right.

As a normal human, Seira has her own limit. There will come a day, where she would not be able to wield her own bow anymore. A day where her strength will slowly wither away.

A day where she will leave him, again. But this time, she will not come back.

Seira might have intended that question as a joke, but he knew it wasn’t.

Choosing his words carefully, the snow-haired man said-

"What a foolish question."

The Violet eyed girl turns towards the snow-haired man.

"Of course I will."

"But if I can't wield my bow, I can't protect you anymore. And then you will be left fighting alone, is that okay?"

There was a slight tremble in that gentle voice of hers.

"Then, I will protect you with my sword. It's as simple as that."

He reached out his gloved hand to touch her warm hand.

"I have spent hundreds of years waiting for you. You no longer have the ability to wield your own weapon doesn't make any difference to me."

The snow-haired man doesn't want to admit that he is trembling right now.

But she always knew.

The Violet eyed girl slowly moved from her position and hug the snow-haired man.

It is somehow familiar to him. A crybaby boy and his dear friend who is always there to comfort him...

The snow-haired man can feel tears starting to well up in his blue eyes.

"Thank you, for saying that."

Vega realize that Seira is also trembling, so he returned the hug, hoping it will give her some comfort.

It's the least he can do, for now.

"If someday you ask me this question again, please know that my answer will remain the same.

He knows that no matter how much he tried, he can't fight that fate.

So, all he can do for now.....is to cherish every moment with her.

Until that day comes.

[awynter]

Is that all? Anne didn't know what she expected, but it wasn't this. It wasn't the relieved chuckle he gave, as though she had told him a meaningless secret. Anne knew he was kind and caring, that he was likely to forgive harsh words or foolish mistakes, but her past with George was too heavy to brush off. And it was becoming too heavy to burden as well.

He rambled on, confiding in her his own childish misgivings, and yet it didn't help lessen the guilt she felt for keeping so many secrets from him. She had lied to him about who she was. She had made a contract to never speak of her past, to erase Annelise from the face of the earth lest she condemn her sisters to a similar fate. But keeping such a thing from someone she loved was slowly killing her.

“Yes, b-but you are a man. Y-You’re not expected to remain pure and untouched. As a woman, I…” She shook her head, trying to make sense of the situation. Did he not understand the severity of her mistakes? Did he not understand how much a thing mattered? It had been part of the reason she'd been forced to leave home at sixteen, forced to erase her past and start over. She offered a sad smile, hesitant to believe the worst of it had passed.

“Ben, I…” She wanted to tell him everything, to bare herself to him in her entirety. To pull back the layers of her façade and show him the scared girl that lay beneath. “I do not deserve you.” It’s all she can manage to say without breaking down.

Her brows knitted together at his words. Did he truly think his time in the war and the hardships he endured made him less worthy of love? For Anne, her mistakes were nearly unforgivable. She had maimed a man, scarred him for life because she'd foolishly wielded a blade in self-defense. And it that weren't enough, if she were to ever find a husband capable of looking past her clouded past, it would not change the fact that she would always be tainted. If she bore his children, they would come from an impure womb, no matter how much she loved and cherished her husband. And furthermore, George was still out there, bloodthirsty and vengeful.

“I want you, Ben. But there's more. I-I’ve not been entirely honest with you..." Gently, she pulled away. She didn't want to cling to him, not when there was a chance he might push her away when he knew the full truth. She wouldn't be able to handle a wound that deep, so she pulled away on her own and hoped her legs would be strong enough to carry her.

Anne closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was the tipping point. This was where the test of their love either flew or plummeted to the ground with a deafening crash. He had excused the horrid words she'd said to him in a moment of anger. He had been kind enough to look past her lack of virtue, but she was about to admit the extent of her façade and, with it, the extent of her sins.

"My real name... is not Anne Wynter. It’s Annelise Sophronia Shawcross." Her own name felt foreign on her tongue, like a dead language that had been killed nearly a decade prior. She hadn't uttered her birth name since she left home. The last time she'd said it aloud was when she whispered her goodbyes and her grievances into the crashing waves below her on her sudden departure to the Isle of Man. She hadn't spoken her name out loud in almost ten years and a part of her worried she never would.

"When I was sixteen, I gave my heart--and, foolishly, my body-- to a monster, a-and I have been paying for it every since." Speaking the truth aloud felt cathartic. It felt like a weight was being lifted from her chest, but now she was at risk of being swept away in her lies. "I was sent away, exiled from my home so that my sins, my crimes, would not spur a scandal that might spoil my sisters’ prospects for marriage. In the eyes of my family, I do not exist, Ben. I am more than just a tarnished woman. I am a fraud, a liar. I am a ghost." With a shuddered breath, Anne rose her eyes to look at him. "And I do not deserve your love, Ben. Selfishly, I want it, but I know I do not deserve it. I do not deserve happiness."

The air grew increasingly thin, leaving him winded and dizzy as her mouth sought his, sweetly forbidden within the pale moonlight.

“I promise you I have never wanted anything more in my entire life,” she whispered.

Her words were a reassurance, a comfort, and with a boyish little grin, Benjamin had to look away in order to calm the frantic thrum-thrum-thrum of his pulse. It suddenly felt like much too much, and yet he wanted more, his limbs trembling as she nudged her forehead into his and anchored him close.

"But..."

The uncertainty in her voice brought his excitement to a screeching halt, his brow creasing as he sought her gaze within the unforgiving dark. "But what?" he asked, his timbre just as shaky as his breath.

Anne pulled away, placing her hands over his chest as a sort of barrier. She appeared haunted, sad, and his heart pounded as she cautioned, "Ben, you should know, I..."

She trailed off again, making him ever anxious.

"What?" he pressed. "What is it?"

To his alarm, the silence continued. Anne was completely overcome, her body starting to shake in his embrace. She took a deep breath, then blurted, "I-I'm not a virgin. I understand if that changes things. I do not blame you if you no longer wish to continue... I just thought you should know. That I'm not quite as pure as you might think I am. That I am a tarnished woman."

For a long moment, not a word was uttered. And then with a breathless, relieved little laugh, Benjamin squeezed her arms and pressed, "Is that all? Truly?"

Drawing her hand to rest over his heart, he splayed her fingers across his chest and kissed her brow. "Anne, I am not untouched either," he confided. "My best friend convinced me to pay a woman to introduce me to pleasure -- and on my sixteenth birthday, no less -- so it was a horrible, mortifying experience, and one I never wish to repeat. But you..." His gaze softened. "You are precisely what I want. Before we met, I was overcome by darkness and despair and loneliness, and I genuinely believed it was all I deserved." Fervent, he nudged his brow into hers. "I don't care who you've been with, or what you were -- I only care about who you are now. And seeing how I, myself, am quite tainted -- from war, from hardship, from carnality -- it hardly seems fair of me to hold you at fault... Not when we share in that same sin."

Withdrawing again to look at her, Benjamin tenderly cupped her face. "What you are could never be tarnished to me. You're the other part of my soul."

[miscellaneousramblings]

Down here, salt is a way of life.

Lol, so I’ve read the updated version of those SnK leaks for the last volume and its bonus pages and like... what. I don’t see why I as a reader should accept a poor, nonsensical, edgy ending such as this one and with a smile as well! Fuck that.*

The actual last chapter as published last month was already poorly executed but at least I could sort of get what the author went for. I thought that maybe the bonus pages could actually help me swallow the pill by adding meaningful dialogue or events (Armin being shown Paradis’ potential destruction by Eren isn’t a meaningful event, it just adds more fuel to my long-held belief Paradis isn’t worth the destruction it’s causing. The moment they started becoming oppressors the way Marley did, they lost the right to just claim self-defence for their ensured survival. I’ve always thought that Zeke’s plan was the better option compared to the Rumbling and I haven’t changed my mind, far from that. Maybe, had the Rumbling been treated differently and killed way less, it could have been different. Maybe). Eren’s treatment was horrifying in the last arc, but at the very least I could get over his death, and let Mikasa live on in my imagination. She could just live a simple life with her beloved friends visiting her and some pets she would adopt by her side, happily tending to her garden, cooking, reading, maybe even meeting some new people and making friends with them. As an ace woman, I know women don’t have to get married to a guy or even love anyone romantically to lead a worthy, fulfilling life, and yes, I was more than happy to project on her. Mikasa could be happy on her own. The ending was open-ended enough for readers to believe whatever they wanted as far as surviving characters go, and this was fine.

But now, this. The idea she *has* to get herself a man and some kids to “move on” is so backwards and frustrating, I just can’t. This is literally the exact same scenario as Historia’s treatment post Ymir’s death. Isayama really said “I’m going to develop YH and EM and make people fall in love with them, then kill one of them off after terribly dissatisfying farewells and then boom, timeskip, the surviving members of the ships ~moved on~ with Faceless Man 1 and Faceless Man 2.” If you’re gonna show your MC “getting over” their love for the other MC, the one that’s been built up in the entire goddamn manga, then at least show it on-screen, give us some hints. If the husband is supposed to be Jean, then at least show his face instead of a vague silhouette. Isayama is degrading his series, which is his own problem, but he’s also insulting his readers’ intelligence, which I won’t stand for.

Once again, what the hell is he trying to say with this? I’m not talking about some kind of moral message, I’m talking about the way love is depicted in this series. Love is something to be sacrificed, discarded and then replaced (offscreen). I am pissed off by the ultimate treatment of women in this series, especially after the promise they showed pre-timeskip. Also Annie is lucky Bertolt died because at this rate she would have ended with him despite not loving him is2g.

I will wait for the actual volume to come out in Japan and if this nonsense is actually confirmed (Mikasa being married to some rando while Paradis becomes an industrialized nation thanks to global genocide), I’m selling all my manga volumes. Luckily enough I have some rare editions so i should be able to take my money back entirely.

I am disappointed and done.

PS: Life footage of me reading those leaks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KquFZYi6L0

*If the leaks are fake I’ll gladly accept I am a clown, and will shut up about this series forever, but I do remember a chinese leaker (I’m assuming the same person) said volume 34 would be the last back in early/mid-december, and this was confirmed in the preview at the end of volume 33, which was released on January 9. Soooo yeah, I’m pretty sure this is legit, unfortunately.

[fun-k-board]

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

AVATAR 2009 with a Human ! S/O who adores Christmas

Characters included: Jake Sully, Neytiri, Tsu'Tey

Pronouns: They / Them

Relationship: Romantic

When text is in bold that means it's spoken in Na'vi, I have no clue if Na'vi have gender neutral language so sorry if this isn't accurate.

Jake Sully

Jake never understood about Christmas, he wasn't one of the lucky few on Earth who had a rich family nor did his family particularly show an overabundance of affection.

He and his brother weren't to close, it hurt when he died of course, but at the end of the day he wouldn't see him for years when he went to Pandora anyway.

So, your sadness over not being able to celebrate it was confusing, but Jake cared for you and tried to comfort you despite this.

"You don't look so good." Jake mumbled and sat down next to you, his eyes stared into you intently as he waited for a response.

"I just miss my family, we use to celebrate Christmas and..." You trailed off, your ears down and tail curling on your thigh. A whimper escaped you as tears began welling in your eyes.

"Oh." He paused, sucking in a large breath "I'm sorry. Maybe we could make last minute presents for each other?" Jake quietly suggested, pulling a shy smile that showed off his sharp teeth.

"That'd be nice..." You quietly whispered, smiling back softly at him while you tried wiping away your tears as calming your breaths.

And so you made whatever you thought would be best for Jake, I could imagine him getting you a weapon or maybe some type of neckwear that would give you a sense of pride.

He doesn't really try to expand it to Neytiri given the cultural differences, but I see Norm getting into the holiday spirit, maybe Grace if her present is a cigarette.

Neytiri

Neytiri taught you and Jake the ways of the Na'vi, to which you both listened, adapted and overcame the differences in your cultures.

However, you still missed your old life. As horrible, polluted and poor Earth became, you still missed family. Apart of family was Christmas, giving to others even outside of who you considered family just to see their smiles, it was something you hadn't experienced in years. You missed that. And you'd never get it back.

"There is something on your mind." Neytiri plainly stated, her words catching you off guard, looking you up and down as she handed food to Jake on her right.

"It's a time of year at home." He replied, looking to me in pity. "Where you can participate in a tradition on Earth, I'll let them explain the details if they want." Jake awkwardly looked away, munching on an unnaturally large amount of teylu. Neytiri turned to me expectantly.

"It's one about family and giving, cherishing those you love, those and even the things around you." You nodded as you spoke even if there was no reason to, awkwardly smiling while Neytiri smiled sweetly.

"It sounds like a wonderful tradition. What is it called?" Her stare bore into your eyes, her own were soft.

"Christmas." You sighed, continuing only because the silence would be unbearable. "We hurt our great mother and caused a lot of pain, it became harder and harder to celebrate as time continued. Now almost nobody truly celebrates it as it was intented, instead a shallow reminder of what it originally was." Neytiri held your hand and nodded.

"I am understanding of your pain, I hope all sky people learn to see as you and Jake have."

She doesn't go out of her way to celebrate it, but notes the general time it happens around and maybe gives you little trinkets that would be meaningless to most.

I can definetly imagine Neytiri showing you in depth Na'vi culture, as she already does, but with more pride as she realises how important you can take cultural and traditional events. But, most of all I imagine you'd be spending time with each other, even if she personally doesn't believe in Christmas, she believes in you. Neytiri sees you.

Tsu'Tey

He mainly made fun of you and Jake for being 'demons', so getting to know you was a lengthy process and required patience on both ends.

Given you were already learning of Na'vi culture from Neytiri, he didn't find the need to teach you anything other than fighting and flying, so when you asked him about something the explanation was very short and simple.

Tsu'tey couldn't say he was too interested in sky people or their traditions, but he noticed you weren't doing too well for the past few weeks. Your sour mood showed in your training and pushed you back, so it was garunteed he would speak on it eventually.

"Why are you sitting here? The ikrans are-" He was momentarily stopped in his words by your tear stained face. Not only was your face uncanny for him with your features unlike natural Na'vi, but beyond that, you were hurt.

"What... What is bothering you?" You noticed his switch to English as hesitantly placed a hand on your shoulder, lowering into a kneel as he stared deep into your eyes.

"Us human- uh, sky people, have a tradition." You began, Tsu'tey was interested in your words and the curious look he had told you to continue "This time we begin giving gifts, we spend more time with family, friends and... Significant others." You coughed shyly, unsure of the word in Na'vi before remembering "Mates." You clarified.

"It sounds like a prosperous time for your people." He nodded respectfully, holding your hand and looking comfortingly into your eyes. "I see your pain, and I am sorry brother/sister."

He, like Neytiri, doesn't go out of his way to celebrate. Mainly taking part in spending time and showing how much he loves you. Sometimes it can be awkward and stiff, but Tsu'tsy is quite literally an alien who viewed all humans as demons. Unless you explain to him how you view Christmas, he's unsure of how important it is to you and doesn't want to come off as offensive.

In turn, I can imagine him pointing out things similar to his own culture, feeling like a part of him was always with you even before you met.

[jaybirdss]

How it feels to fall for Cole Brookstone

Picture made with picrew, gender neutral reader

Now playing … Light My Love , Greta Van Fleet

If you asked Cole what his stance on relationships were years ago, he would tell you they were meaningless to him, that he'd never see himself capable of loving another person. That was until he met his match.

Falling for Cole is like accepting the peace that comes when you finally fall against the pile of autumn leaves. The sky is clear and blue and the air smells of changing seasons and heartfelt confession.

There’s almost nothing that he can do wrong. Being a good boyfriend is something that comes so naturally for him, although he genuinely feels like you could do much better than him.

He'll definitely tell you that he still despises anything about dancing, or singing. His experience at his preforming arts school was challenging. So he never thought he'd have his hands on your waist, teaching you how to spin without tripping and how to let yourself body move gracefully across the dance floor. Dancing is a way of spending time with you, it's preforming with no one looking, it's a way of keeping you close and never letting you go.

Time. Time is something he cherishes, time is how he fell for you. When he's with you, he makes the most of every second, and it doesn't matter what you both do. he could lay with you for hours, and still consider it something to remember. Dates, hanging out, sleeping together. Quality time is how he shows and accepts love.

He’s always quick to offer you his things. His jacket, his favorite body sprays, even the sweets he claims he’s cut back on. A firm believer of ‘What’s mine is yours’.

While you walk around decked out in his clothes, he wears little things to symbolize you. Usually things he picks from your room or bags, even things you make for him. Beaded bracelets, earrings you make for him, hair ties, little crystals you stuff into his pockets for good luck.

Speaking of earrings, he likes to match jewelry with you. Matching pendants, dangly earrings, anklets, small things. Little things that symbolize how you’re his, and he’s yours.

He likes buying disposable cameras and snapping quick photos of you & him while you’re out on dates. He gets them printed and they’re all over his room, he even keeps one in his wallet, just to know you’re with him.

Nothing could ever prepare him for the chaos that unfolded when you met his father. It was going to happen eventually, but he never wanted it to be soon.

Despite his worries, Lou absolutely adored you. He found that you brought peace to his sons already chaotic life.

He told you stories of Cole’s youth, showed you pictures and videos, made you tea, and expressed how he was quite proud of the man his son had become. He’d show you pictures of Cole and his mother, Lily. Explaining how she would’ve loved to meet you, and how sweet she had been when she was alive.

Lily was a touchy subject for Cole. But seeing how she’d been brought up so positively, he couldn’t help but agree, She would’ve loved to meet you.

Cole is pretty dry when it comes to texting. He prefers calling, just to have your presence around when he’s missing you. It’s usually an every night thing to call and wake up to his groggy morning voice.

“G’mornin baby” “Sleep good?” “You should come over..” “I miss you”

He has no filter when he’s sleepy

The man’s pretty tame on nicknames. He prefers hearing them from you. Holding you close on his lap while you lay your head on his shoulder mumbling the various names you call him. He’s living for it and would kill for more domestic moments like that.

He likes to have these 1v1 training sessions with you, to make sure you can handle yourself if he’s out on a mission and trouble happens to come your way. As serious as he acts, you can always break him once you have him pinned down, eventually having a tickle fight on the ground.

He misses you dearly while on missions, he gets all huffy and puffy and complains to his dragon. Laying on him while he stares at the picture he keeps of you. He misses your warmth and touch, and awaits when he can go home to you again.

Falling for Cole is something that’ll have you set for life.

[xtinyslip]

TOUCHE. cecilia almost wanted to smile at that which she knew was the wrong reaction. now more than ever, she felt like she had to consider every expression and word she said because people had a habit of taking it the wrong way. "i cherish him the way i know how…" the way that she knew edgar would understand. the way she knew wasn't going to be enough for anyone else. right? she glanced down too. "stupid meaningless dates?" raising her eyebrow. "i can't say i've ever had the pleasure of experiencing one myself. what's it like?" it was true. as if her father would have EVER allowed that? there could have been bitterness in her tone but right now she was just curious.

"IT WASN'T A LIE." cecilia was internally screaming and the only person who knew her well enough to pull her out of it didn't seem to care anymore. it was a situation, that was for certain. "i think that's what bothering you, isn't it? that even now. even right now… we still make sense." it shouldn't. they shouldn't but how could she deny it? she would be a fool too. "that cecilia was being suffocated, she could barely breath and not by you. of course, not but by --" her father, her environment because it had never really been her own. nothing in her life had been her own expect for him. was he really going to look her in the eye and act like that didn't matter? like it had never mattered to her? it was… well, she wasn't even sure she had a word for it.

"parker…" john had saved her, oh, she'd be dead if he hadn't been there; dead. her father wouldn't have ever let her get away with what she'd done but… did she feel she owed him one? no, not particularly. perhaps that was the issue, she was done feeling like she owed anyone shit. "if it hadn't been for you there wouldn't have been anything left to save. you know that as well as i do." her voice quieter because… this was out of her normal territory and she wasn't sure how comfortable she felt being that honest. not with someone who seemed to want to take a cheap shot at her. well, she could fire them as easily back. "not once i have i referred to you as that. mock you for being the idiot who see's something... worthy in me, when not even i can see it myself? why would i do that?"she looked away because it was true. lately, her father's words were just grow louder and louder inside her head and she hated it.

"actually, no." why lie? cecilia had never been shy about not being fussed of other people before. she wasn't going to lie now. "but it seems you have all those friends and meaningless dates to get back to. would be a shame to keep them waiting. hm?" unraveling the kit that she needed, pulling up one of the stools so she was sat in front of him. "health wise, how have you been feeling? any dizziness? shortness of br---" cecilia was interrupted by the shutters of the lab starting to come down, trapping them inside. the last time they had literally been trapped in a room together had been that night. she forgot herself for a moment, reaching for his arm. almost as if to say that they would be TOGETHER this time. it took her a second to get a grip on herself, standing up so she could move around to her ipad. "it's -- it's an additional security feature edgar and i had installed. your cure was here, he wanted to ensure that when i wasn't here. no one else could get in here and tamper with it. it's new. it's probably just --" FOR FUCKS SAKE. @fcdcdmcmories

"AND WHO WAS THAT? CAN'T SEEM TO RECALL. MAYBE I FORGOT IT AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE." he knew that doing this was shitty. he knew that doing this was not who he wanted to be in the slightest, but.. the words just stumbled right out and there didn't seem to be a way to stop. damn it. especially because of the fact that he was .. mad. not just mad - the anger seemed to have faded a little bit thanks to his talk with evernever, but .. he was mostly sad. confused. "... you should cherish him. really. i was.. pretty damn mad and he gave me an earful and reminded me of a lot of things that it seems i had forgotten. SOMETIMES.. THAT'S ALL THAT YOU CAN DO WHEN IT COMES TO THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. CHERISH THEM." he looked down, sadness passing through his expression for a second. was that what he had wanted .. once upon a time? maybe. "nah, i.. i think that i've had my fill of that for a long time. trying the new single guy who goes on random stupid, meaningless dates every now and then and forgets all about them by next day. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE IT WILL WORK FOR ME." was that his own attempt of a joke? yes, it was, even if.. it was a stupid one. this had never been what he had wanted. no, no, what he had wanted was to be with her. maybe it still was. ".... IT'S NOT A CRIME, BUT.. YOU ALSO CAN'T BLAME ME FOR SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE EVER TOLD ME, CAN YOU? you know, since most of it turned out to be a lie?" it was good to know that this wasn't. it was good to know that.. maybe, there was a part of her that cared abut him. that wanted him to live. it was a relief to know that .. not all of it had been a lie. right? scoffing, he shook his head. "right. you just omitted the truth from me and went right back to screwing your boyfriend," he didn't want to roll his eyes at that and yet, he did. how could she not see the truth when it was standing right there? "but you used to be. good at this, i mean. things used to be so.. simple between us. remember? there were no stupid questions asked. no lies. we just .. we were just happy together. it made sense. WE MADE SENSE." when had things gotten so complicated between the two of them, he wondered? had things always been like this and he had just been too busy being in love with her to see it? ".. yeah and look how that turned out. somehow, it made things even worse. i never.. i never wanted you to be better or any stupid shit like that, you know? I WANTED YOU. THE CECILIA THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH. who's been my best friend, my partner in crime, my better half throughout.. all these years. or so .. SO I THOUGHT."

he coughed, attempting to hide the tears that had just clouded his vision, before shaking his head. he couldn't do this. not here. not right now. not with her. "but it wasn't me, was it? that freed you from him. do you even remember when i went to see you there? it was.. the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. leaving you there.. it killed me. it killed me, leaving my stupid fucking jacket there and walking away, even if.. even if i should have damned it all and brought you with me.I HAVEN'T FORGIVEN MYSELF ABOUT NOT DOING SO TO THIS DAY. none of that matters, right? it was him. your fucking hero. i guess that when you think about it like that, it makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? HE SAVED YOU SO.. WHAT? YOU FELT LIKE YOU OWED HIM ONE? was that it?" he didn't want to cry. not right here and not in front of her but.. right now, his throat was burning up and his vision was clouded and he was so damn fucking sad that he wanted to.. "i'm not the one here who's been mocking the other, am i? how many times have you and your boyfriend had a laugh at my expense? parker, the idiot? parker, the love sick fool? PARKER, THE STUPID LAPDOG? hm? and oh, i'm sorry. does it bother you that i have friends? people who actually want to be around me?" which was the case and no, he still didn't believe it that it was when it came to her. crossing his arms over his chest stubbornly, he sat down, glaring in her direction for a second. "NOW WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE.." pulling his shirt over his head brought an immense sense of deja vu, as he was reminded of the last time that he had done such a thing in front of her. cheeks turning red, he looked down. had it been that little ago? it seemed like forever now. "well, go on, doc. i'm sure we both have about a million other people we'd rather be with right now, don't we?" he didn't. (@xtinyslip)

[dovahqueene]

~apex secret santa~

Bangalore gets Loba

- gives her an expensive necklace that matches her bracelet

- she’s genuinely surprised and thankful for her ~friend~

Wraith gets Mirage

- gives him a gold framed photo of his family (minus his dad)

- he openly sobs while she pats his back

Mirage gets Ash

- after a lot of stressing, panics and gets her a cape

- she asks him if he’s trying to get her killed (he says “I don’t know please don’t hurt me”)

Octane gets Vantage

- gets her roller skates so she can be faster

- she has never been more excited in her whole life and proceeds to a fall a LOT

Revenant gets Gibraltar

- gets him a card that says “I will not kill you one time”

- Gibby pats him too hard on the back and asks if he’s getting soft (he denies this)

Horizon gets Wraith

- makes her a home cooked meal and buys her a spa day

- Wraith appreciates the food and gives the spa day to Mirage

Fuse gets Pathfinder

- writes him a song about his life

- Path refuses to listen to anything else for the next 5 years and promotes Fuse to new best friend (Mirage can’t believe what he’s hearing, like the song isn’t THAT good)

Ash gets Mad Maggie

- gets her a tattoo gun that doubles as a… gun

- Maggie says she might actually be a good egg (Ash disagrees but Leigh is pleased)

Mad Maggie gets Fuse

- brings him some guy’s arm

- he laughs awkwardly then just stands there holding it

Gibraltar gets Horizon

- finds pictures of her son and makes a collage

- she gives him a long, tearful hug

Caustic gets Wattson

- he gets her a book of poisons

- she… appreciates the thought and the fact he followed through at all with a gift

Wattson gets Seer

- makes him a bot moth that spark-les

- he tells her he gets the joke and that he appreciates it (then plays with it for an hour right afterwards)

Rampart gets Valkyrie

- gives her a picture of the real Sheila while laughing maniacally

- Valk deadpans at the camera

Newcastle gets Bangalore

- books her a trip with his family

- man oh man does she get emosh

Vantage gets Crypto

- draws him a picture of him and Watson kissing

- he turns red and spends the next day just staring at it and crumpling it up whenever someone walks in the room

Catalyst gets Rampart

- gets her that gum that looks like rocks

- Rampart says it rocks!

Bloodhound gets Caustic

- gets him a new gas mask that they think is superior

- Caustic is impressed by their taste and is glad it wasn’t something meaningless and heartfelt

Pathfinder gets Octane

- after some research, gets him a rabbit

- octane’s goggles fill with tears; Pathy panics because he didn’t mean to make him cry

Crypto gets Newcastle

- tells him he deleted the footage floating around of him not being the original Newcastle

- Newcastle says, “The what??”

Valkyrie gets Lifeline

- gets her some vintage drum sticks Loba found

- she breaks them on the first try but tapes them back together and hangs them on the wall instead

Seer gets Catalyst

- commissions a custom deck for her

- she pretends not to be as hype as she is about it but is still outwardly thankful because she isn’t about to be rude about a nice gift

Lifeline gets Bloodhound

- stitches them two skull hats with her suture skills and a little bit of how-to videos, one for them and one for artur

- they put artur’s on him then puts their own on top of their current helm (blush hidden)

Loba gets Revenant

- gives him a piece of paper with the middle finger on it

- he absolutely cherishes it

[runawaymun]

I just want to say you believing in god and supporting the LGBT+ community makes me so happy.

I'm agnostic, I'm personally not really sure if he's real or not but I really like to think he is. And I like to think that he supports the LGBT+ community, and he's pro-choice, and you don't have to go to church for him to let you into question. Or you don't have to fully believe in him.

I like to believe that god is cool in you not fully believing. And that all you have to do is be the best and the goodest person you can be in life.

My mom was very spiritual but one of the best people ever. She supported the LGBT+ community she is pro-choice and she was still spiritual. And she wanted me to always at least try to go to church but I would always say no because of i knew there was a influx or homophobic religious people and anti-abortion people in the church.

I know not all of them are like that. But I also knew a lot were. And im not in the LGBT community but I fully support the LGBT community. How can I not? They're just people who get hate for no reason, other then being "different". I also im pro-choice. So I didn't ever think I would be comfortable in church. And like I said I personal like to think that god is cool with people being agnostic and not really or fully believe.

I think he just wants you to be a nice person and to try your best.

So yeah I just to say that. And im so sorry that your being kicked out of a space where you should be able to enjoy without homophobia.

Thank so much for leaving this for me to read. It means a lot. I've been cherishing every single one of these messages and I truly just feel really...idk honored and overwhelmed that you guys are all taking the time to get so personal in my inbox, even if it's anonymously, because it means you genuinely truly care.

I generally try to stay out of discourse because nobody ever really "wins" these things, but what you said about knowing that you wouldn't be comfortable in a church because of your beliefs is exactly the reason why I'm choosing to engage in this one. Regardless of what some people have been saying about how they feel. I believe people should feel safe at Church. People should feel safe with God. It's when you feel safe that you can really be vulnerable and connect with people, and where real growth and healing happens. So whenever I out myself as a Christian in public spaces I always want to go out of the way to also signal: I am safe. Because like...yeah. This shit happens. And it happens way too much. And so the baseline assumption becomes I will be subject to isolation and abuse in this community, and that's not okay. That's not who I believe God to be.

Safe doesn't mean comfortable. When I say I want to be in a place I feel safe and loved, I don't mean that I want to be in a space where I am unchecked and unchallenged. That's not conducive to growth. But without love it's all meaningless. When we are unloved, we are afraid, and when we are afraid, we hide, and when he hide, we cannot heal.

Anyway I'm digressing. <3 I think you're super cool and I'm really grateful that you took the time to put something so kind and thoughtful in my askbox. It means a lot.

[notnctu]

when the snow falls | j.jh

jung jaehyun x reader genre - angst first, fluff later details - childhood best friends!au, ghost!au, platonic relationship, genderneutral!reader, ft. boyfriend johnny warnings - grieving/mourning, mentions of death, lots of crying, explicit language (swearing) word count - 8.3k inspiration - A Christmas Carol synopsis - Jaehyun visits you every holiday season since his death to bring you out of your self isolation and hatred for the one season you both once loved.

a/n - this is for my first collab ever: a taste of winter collab hosted by @dearyongs​​​ & @pastelsicheng​​​ ! again, thank you for letting me participate and i hope this fic brings more warmth for everyone during the winter!! happy holidays everyone & i hope you can check out the rest of the fics in the collab as i will be, they’re written by such amazing writers! :)))

An iridescent frost covers the tall windows of the apartment and a bright white sky greets you this morning. The fallen sheets expose your bare shoulders to the bitter crisp cold air and goosebumps rise to remind you to wear a fucking sweater for once. However, the cold isn’t what bothers you this horrid day as you’re leaping out of bed to glance out at the world. It’s the first thing that you lay eyes on: it covers the streets, it’s falling from the blanket of grey sky, it’s others’ joy when it’s your trauma. What Mother Nature has brought upon this winter season, as she always does this time of the year, is snow. 

The first sign of snowfall marks the first day of your self isolation period until the holidays pass. It marks the anniversary of your best friend’s death and an agonizingly long winter, but in spite of that, it also means the appearance of a rather special guest. A guest that is only visible to you and though resembles much of your passed friend, does not share the same memories as you do. 

“The snow is just so comforting, isn’t it?” Though you live alone, a sudden voice erupts from behind you and has you turning rather quickly to face the truth of this season. Your greatest treasure, yet haunting demise. “Hello, y/n. How has your year been?” Jaehyun stands with a lean at your door frame, his arms crossed at his chest and hair full of fluff. 

“Hello, Jaehyun’s spirit. I happen to hate the snow, if you have forgotten.” Your hip presses against the cold glass and you’re no longer afraid of being half naked in front of what this form of imagination possesses itself to be. 

“Remind me why again.” Jaehyun casually sits on your unmade bed, looking as about your age now. There is a brief silence as you examine how he’s grown with you, you’d imagine this is how he’d look if he was still alive and well.

It would be his third year in college, same as you, possibly studying engineering due to his past fascination with the mechanics of roller coasters. With such a strong jawline and a definite lean built, girls would be running all over him. Not to mention, his dimples remain one of his charms.

Kicking off the icy window, you walk carefully and slowly up to Jaehyun. A hand reaches to caress his cheek, but it goes right through him and leaves your hand to hang in mid-air. This happens every time you see him again, wondering if you can get one last touch of his dewy complexion, and you simply can’t. Despite his ability to touch you, there is no possibility for your senses to travel through to the other side of the supernatural dimension. 

Jaehyun gently rests your hand back to your side and repeats his request, “remind me again why you hate the snow.”

“It’s how you died.” A small croak gets caught in the back of your throat and tears well up to blur your vision. “So when the snow falls, it brings me back to the dreadful memory of me losing you, of you leaving me.” 

“I died from snow? That is so lame.” Jaehyun grumbles and rolls his eyes. 

You chuckle, but the tears roll down your cheeks as if they know no happiness. “You died from a car accident in the snow. Your tires slid, you couldn’t brake … and so, you crashed. Full trauma to the head, an instant death.” 

“Where was I going?” He wasn’t this curious last winter, and so you’re unaware if it’s your mind playing sick tricks on you or if his unrest spirit is this forgetful. You wish it was the latter. 

Choking on your tears, the droplets hit the hardwood floors below you. An overwhelming feeling of melancholy overtakes your chest and you’re suffocating underneath an unknown pressure. Your throat is drier than your mother’s gingerbread cookies, but you swallow the frigid air around you. 

You’re so choked up by your sobbing that it’s too difficult to speak. Any words you say feel like thin ice, ready to crack at the lightest touch. “O-On the way to … my house. You were coming over to tell me a secret.”

“And I never got to tell you.” 

“No, Jaehyun. I’ll never know what you wanted to tell me that day.” 

when the snow falls. 

There has never been a time before Jaehyun and all that you knew, all the memories that fill your brain, every growing pain you could possibly share, was with him and all until it wasn’t. Had there been a time after Jaehyun, you would not have expected it to come as soon as it did.

For the months following his death, you were in denial of his missing presence because every. single. thing. reminded you of him. Jaehyun remained in his assigned seat in school, although it was clearly empty. He lived through others’ mourning stories, where they spoke of fond memories that they shared and things he liked. The worst of them all, you still texted him every day in hopes to see the tiny three dots pop up that he was typing. And the warped reality in your head, the first stage of grief flooding every possible corner, was that he has always just been slow at replying back.

Then, his funeral rolled around and his parents asked you to share one happy memory of him. There were so many, how could you possibly have chosen just one? And so you didn’t. The moment the frame of the church entered your view, your legs stuck to the ground and refused to enter. There was going to be a point when you entered the building filled with crying people and a gripping, horrid smell of death and you wouldn’t be able to forget it. That scary thought, not only frightened you, but angered you. 

The large attendance of people walked past you as teary eyes blinked up at the dark wooden frame of the door, but every one of them had never visited him for more than once when he was alive. His older cousins that had forgotten about him when they flew away for college, his acquaintances from piano lessons who never bothered to remember his full name, his old friends from primary school that he had lost connection with after graduation, they were all here.

And you can’t help, but fester a fueling frustration in the pit of your stomach and as it grew into your chest in the matter of seconds, you wondered the single thought that picked up your feet to run home: where were they when he was alive? 

After a year and the appearance of Jaehyun’s ghost became less of a shock during winter, you were stuck in an odd and uneasy place of what if’s. Talking to him once a year was never enough, texting his old number was never enough. It was just never enough.

Missing him grew into a dark sense of yearning, longing, bargaining. Long nights of twisting and tossing in your bed, many thoughts and endless possibilities ran through your unhealthy thoughts. The description and police report of his accident played like a reel in darkest contemplations. 

The first year of college had to be the hardest to go through without him and thus, aiding in your regrets of not cherishing him enough when he was around. A rabbit hole of universe paths drove you wild, wishing and hoping that you could turn back time and stop him from coming over in the middle of a blizzard. And the one lasting thought still haunts you to your present: if only you hadn’t encouraged him that night, he wouldn’t have died. 

The saddest part has barely been acknowledged, even by yourself. That this one tragedy tainted the one holiday you two loved the most --- Christmas. Every year since his passing, you locked yourself in your room for two weeks before the holiday and waited through it all. Truthfully, there was nothing in the universe that was going to allow you to enjoy the holiday when it wasn’t with him. Even his ghost, who very randomly popped up on a December day and cluelessly never brings much comfort as the live him did during this season.

Jolly holiday music lost their joyous sound and became awfully low tempo. The bright red and green signature colors of Christmas became dull and rather grey; the long strings of colorful lights that hang from houses and around large trees were absolutely drained of their color. The warmth of the fireplace went cold. The cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies no longer entertained and lost their spark.

The Christmas themed decorations that covered the windows of shops, the city, your own house, became an overwhelming sore sight to look at. The love from your loved ones… you couldn’t feel anything remotely close to love anymore, just meaningless affection. The one gift that the Earth blessed your region with, snow, became the one petrifying thing that it had to offer. And your favoritism for the holiday, the so-called ‘Christmas Spirit’, slowly died out, along with Jaehyun. 

Now that it’s been three years since his passing, you’re here spending your third lonely holiday season inside your apartment discussing your yearly recap with your ghostly best friend. 

“That ridiculous final exam lowered my grade and I walked out of that class retaining none of the information. When will I ever need to know about pirates in the 1800’s?” The chocolate wrapper crinkles in your fist as you finish your overly passionate recollection of the most useless class you could have taken this whole year.

Jaehyun sits by your side, facing you as he hugs his knees close to his chest. A small grin dots the dimple on his left cheek when you peer over at the huddled boy and the sad reminiscent glisten in your eye does not go unnoticed. “You used to love pirates. Dressed up like one for Halloween and went up to every house yelling,” Jaehyun clears his throat and perks up, ready to perform.

A balled fist in the air, paired with a look of utter gusto and passion, Jaehyun speaks in an attempt to horribly reenact your once embarrassing pirate impression. “Argh! You scoundrel, give me all the treasures in your possession… preferably chocolate sweets.” He holds his stomach as he bursts into a fit of his baritone laughter. His wide mouth grows into such a big, open smile that his eyelashes dance on his glowing cheeks. 

“For a ghost, you sure look like someone who’s very much alive.” Naturally, you’d swat lightly at his knee or arm whenever he would joke around. However, the pain of your hand passing right through him breaks this habit and you’re left scoffing at the way Jaehyun is consumed with laughter.

“You know, for someone who is alive… you sure look a bit … lifeless. When was the last time you were happy, y/n?” Jaehyun finally settles down and gently nudges at your elbow. 

His question hits you like a wall of bricks. Unexpected and completely straightforward, but that’s just always been the way he is. “This past weekend when I turned in my last assignment for the semester.” 

“No. The last time you were genuinely happy, not relieved. You mentioned a boyfriend, right?” 

Rolling your eyes, you grow a bit silent and annoyed at his comment. “Listen, hopeless romantic. Not every relationship is perfect sunrays and gushy unconditional love.” Perhaps, your gaze drops down to your hands and the wrinkled wrapper between your fingers has worn out from your fidgeting. 

Johnny Suh. If you could move mountains for this man, you would. It all started due to an accidental happenstance of you abruptly walking into your campus’ coffee shop to seek shelter from the rain and him, the attractive barista behind the counter, chasing after you in a stained apron and an immensely strong aroma of coffee beans. Jaehyun practically swooned over hearing how you two met, hearts in his pupils and a dreamy grin resting fondly as he attentively listened. 

Jaehyun has always wanted a relationship, though he did have many admirers in high school, he never had the opportunity to experience one true love and to play out every sappy romantic thing rom-coms taught him. Hearing about your love life is the closest thing he can get to it, unfortunate for him, but fortunate that his best friend still has some romance in them.

Nevertheless, it’s only been a few months together. Though Johnny has seen intimate parts of you, he’s never experienced a winter with you and frankly, he won’t ever experience one with you if you keep this up. 

“Johnny doesn’t make you happy, then why are you with him?” Jaehyun knows Johnny makes you feel something that is hard for you to put into words. He also knows the type of person you are, pushing your buttons to get you to defend something you love. Boldly. Loudly. Strongly. He knows how to get you to spit out words of truth, even when they’re difficult.

“My partner is the literal definition of happiness, okay?” The defensiveness drives your assertiveness further. “The last time I was happy was when…” your eyes are frantically examining the floor for any source of focus as a highlight reel of this whole year flashes through your mind.

“... On my birthday, he planned me a picnic. Bought me roses, the whole grand scheme of romance. I started to cry, out of happiness… it was the first time in a while that the reason behind my tears was something good.” There’s somewhat of an epiphany when you finish your sentence. Your voice gets lost in your train of thought as the blissful scene plays out. 

“Why were you crying?” Jaehyun snatches the distracting wrapper from your fingers, it being unrecognizable from the wear and tear. It causes you to meet Jaehyun’s round eyes: empty, but not sad. They’re lost, yet filled with purpose.

Jaehyun has always been able to open up the darkest parts of your heart. “Because it reminded me of the time when you and I walked up that steep hill over on Fifth Street… and we forgot the picnic blanket. But it didn’t matter because after the strenuous journey, all we wanted was to sit down and enjoy some fucking sandwiches, along with some hot chocolate your mom packed us.” 

“y/n, you cried over the memory of sandwiches and exercise? That’s so---”

“Before you insult me by calling me lame,” you bring your finger to stop him mid-way and narrow your eyes, “I was so happy to be able to share our same experience with someone else. Even though you’re gone, I can still have these happy moments with other people.” 

Then, Jaehyun gathers both of your hands to hold and brings them to his soft lips. Everything about him feels cold, like a harsh chill that bites at your skin. In spite of it all, his delicate kiss on your knuckles somehow feel warm and slightly comforting. Jaehyun peers up with kind eyes, “you’re almost there. I will do everything I can to get you there.” 

Blinking at him with confusion, your expression asks the questions for you. When he sets your hands in his lap, a soft pat on the back of your hand reassures you. “Can we bake Christmas cookies?” 

Rolling your eyes, you tear your hands away from him. He leaves you with unspoken words and an oddly comforting feeling, but it’s not enough to dissipate your deeply rooted dislike for this particular holiday. “You ask this every year.” Getting up, you walk towards your bedroom to get away from feeling too vulnerable.

Jaehyun watches your back intently as you’re stumbling over your feet. He whispers to himself, “and I think this year is going to be the last year I’ll ask for it.” And a hopeful smile appears joyously as he anticipates the storm before reaching still waters. 

The sound of the doorbell awakens you and Jaehyun is nowhere to be seen. He comes and goes as he wishes, however, he’d usually accompany you during the mornings. You’re particularly sluggish, finding it difficult to adjust to the blinding white sky outside as snow continues to drift upon the city. 

“Good morning, gumdrop.” Your boyfriend is rather chirpy today. Johnny engulfs your fragile body in his long arms and you’re lost in his scent of peppermint bark. 

“This was unexpected.” His shirt muffles your tiny voice and Johnny is setting down bags of groceries on your kitchen countertop. 

“I texted you last night that I was coming over to do some grocery shopping for you. Did you sleep early?” Your very helpful boyfriend starts unloading all the parcels of fresh produce and your favorite snacks. However, there is a slight tinge of annoyance and possibly it’s due to the fact you weren’t expecting to see anyone during your isolation. Johnny couldn’t have known though.

A deep sigh escapes your lips and you walk over to stop his movements. A hand holds his arm and the other intertwines with his own, but you stand under him with the sweetest smile you could wear during the holiday season. “How is it that your mom invited me to your family holiday party, but tells me that you’re not going to be there?” 

Your smile automatically falls from your lips and a hand retracts from his warmth. It’s the sudden truth that you must face, the confession of your sadness that you’ll eventually need to tell your partner. Wondering how he’s going to take the news, your mom probably gave him a brief breakdown about how you’ve been this way for the past few years now. 

Nonetheless, Johnny has always been bold with his statements and though you’ve adjusted to his abruptness, this one is hard to give a quick answer back to. So as you’re racking how to present your dark narrative, Johnny sets you down on the couch with the utmost gentleness. You don’t even feel the cushion underneath you when the million different answers streamline their way into your brain.

Johnny notices your frantic eyes and unfocused gaze, growing a bit concerned at how cold your skin feels at his touch. Taking off his sweatshirt, he carefully slips it over your shaking figure. When the softness of the polyester cotton blend brushes upon your bare arms, you’re snapped back facing a worried expression.

And you say the one thing on your mind, the only thing you can think of in your scattered brain. “Jaehyun died during this time of year, so it just makes me very emotionally unstable to… participate in any festive events. I’d rather be alone, the whole holiday season.” 

Johnny nods, but his face remains with his eyebrows together and lips pressed into a tight line. He’s well aware of who Jaehyun was and means to you. Though you don’t talk much about him, your eyes light up with a bright twinkle whenever you do. It’s like the world spins ‘round and everything feels restored. Johnny knows enough about your good friend to deduct how hard it must be for you during the winters. 

“Can I help you in any way?” Johnny peers over at you with a small smile, and you wish there is something in your decaying heart to keep it up forever. 

“I hate to say it, but please just leave me alone for the winter.” Flopping on his lap, you’re burying your face in your hands to cower away from seeing your sunshine hurt. There are no more sugar coated kind words for you to pick and choose from.

While Johnny can understand how difficult it must be for you, he still holds onto a sliver of hope that you’ll come around. “Come on, don’t be such a Grinch. No one should be alone for Christmas.” 

Groaning, you sit up and roll your eyes at the familiar references. “Listen, Cindy Lou Who. Don’t call me that.”

“It’s still a cute nickname, you don’t think?” Johnny snickers lightly, but your expression turns rather grim and serious. A faint overcast of melancholy washes over your expression as you’re staring off into your memories again.

In a faint voice, your voice is barely above a whisper, “that used to be one of Jaehyun’s favorite movies.” Your arms drop from your puffed up chest, but Johnny catches your hand and kisses your fingertips.

“What was yours?” Johnny keeps the atmosphere as light and playful while he still can. 

“The Nightmare Before Christmas.” Ironically fitting and that’s one of the sole reasons you don’t watch holiday movies anymore. There have been too many parallels with your life and the wrenched holiday. As twisted as the joke may seem, you’ve lived your own nightmare before Christmas, except you never got the happy ending to it all. It’s like a nightmare that continues and you can’t escape it. 

Having said, Johnny pulls you up to stand and draws you into the biggest hug. “I can’t leave you alone, even if I tried my very best. I still get butterflies every time you smile at me, so you think I wouldn’t be addicted to that feeling?” 

“Johnny…” This man is in love with you until the ends of this Earth, until the horizon stretches so far that it’s unimaginable to see where it stops. 

“I’ll respect your wishes as much as I can, but know that it’s not the best form of healing.” The final word causes a chill to run down your spine. It implies that you’re still hurting, although he’s not wrong, it’s rather disheartening to hear someone else speak it aloud. “I’ll come around less.” 

“If I’m grumpy, then you’ll know why. And don’t try to shove the whole Christmas spirit act on me, I don’t want to hear a single thing about it! I can’t spend a Christmas without Jaehyun.” Johnny squeezes your shoulders at your bold declaration.

“You can’t or you won’t?” A painful tick at your heart leaves you speechless at his question. 

For as long as you could remember, every Christmas was spent with Jaehyun. Picking out a tree for both of your families and getting lost together between the evergreens brought laughter and excitement. Baking cookies and drawing the ugliest faces in tacky colorful frosting always happened a few days before the holiday. Drinking hot chocolate by his family’s fireplace and watching Christmas movies were one of your favorite activities. Christmas Eve was always so special, where you and Jaehyun made it tradition to open your gifts from each other right when the clock struck midnight. 

Then everything simply stopped. And when you tried to participate in those same activities, selfishness and guilt preoccupied your heart. What do any of those things mean without Jaehyun? Jaehyun was the reason you loved Christmas as much as you did. Then, his death became the reason you hated it as much as you do.

“I think that’s enough for today.” Johnny knows he’s hit a nerve, he can see it in your glossy eyes and subtle drop in the corners of your mouth. There is no protest from the taller man when he accepts his sweatshirt without a complaint. The bitter cold air bites at your bare shoulders again and you’re practically existing in its lack of warmth. Gathering the rest of his belongings, you two bid a kiss goodbye and shut the door.

It’s almost a relief that he’s gone and the tear runs down your cheek when your back hits the door. Suddenly, Jaehyun appears across the living room leaning on the door frame to your bedroom. “He seems like a nice guy.” 

“He is.” There is a hang at the end of your sentence and Jaehyun walks toward you. A few sniffs fill the empty apartment, but you’re rubbing away any sign of sadness from your face.

“But?” 

“But, he’s so optimistic about… everything. He lives by the sun and every waking day, he just lives it to the fullest. There’s nothing in the world for this man to possibly understand how sad I feel.” It’s the heaviness in your voice that has your heart sinking to the pit of your stomach. 

Jaehyun’s freezing hands graze your chin and as he lets go, his stare doesn’t leave yours. “Learn from him.” Your best friend’s ghastly voice reminds you that he’s not real. He’s a ghost. He’s very much gone and not for a split second, should you be wanting to cave into his embrace or else, you’ll hit the floor hard. Nevertheless, you’re entirely vulnerable and the next few words that leave Jaehyun’s mouth causes your throat to close up.

“Keep him close. y/n, he is the sun.” It’s a moment you thought you’d never witness, your best friend complimenting your significant partner. Moreover, it hurts to think about how great of friends Jaehyun and Johnny could have been. “To be very honest, you need some heat this winter.”

“Then, what were you?” It’s the curiosity that nips at your tongue as it leaves no space for a pause. The thumping of your heart being so loud in the dead silence, but you know Jaehyun doesn’t have a heart to beat recklessly as yours. 

Jaehyun smirks and chuckles fondly, despite how desperate and serious you may have sounded. “I was a pain in the ass.”

Scoffing, you break the immensely intense eye contact. “You still are. This whole haunting thing is very creepy.” Gesturing his entire being in front of you, he just looks so alive and breathing. Before Jaehyun, you always thought ghosts were floating entities with a white transparency. But your best friend stands before you, well aged and all together. 

It still tosses you into shambles as to why Jaehyun exists, but you’ve given up on figuring out his purpose. He could be a form of your own imagination for all you care, perhaps you’ve grown so sad that you started to seek things. 

Companionship from the one person you wish was still alive?

Like before, you’ve always spent Christmas with Jaehyun… alive or in ghost form.

It’s another one of those long days that seem to never end. The bright white sky seems unchanging, stark with a dusty and imminent endless overcast of snow. It’s blinding and you’re regretting the moment you overlooked the curtain blinds at the department store.  

Your phone has already been lost somewhere underneath your bed and there isn’t a single desire to reach for it. Missed calls pile up, voicemails clutter your inbox, texts flood your messages, and your social media notifications fill your screen. Despite everyone’s effort to contact you, there is no sense of joyous cordial nature to even glance at them.

Jaehyun has been appearing more frequently and staying for longer periods of time. The conversations bring an empty comfort, most of the times you feel the need to remind yourself that you’re not actually talking to someone, are you?

“What’s that sad look in your eyes?” He startles you when you’re off looking vacantly out the window. Your mind has been completely distracted lately by meaningless thoughts and the sweetest reels of Jaehyun that have turned blue.

The more you wrap yourself in your white sheets, the less you can feel any source of warmth. And perhaps you haven’t realized that you no longer felt any heat the past few days, that you’re at a freezing point and it’s made you numb.

“Not sure what you mean.” Your voice remains dull and monotone, lifeless almost. Jaehyun takes a seat against the window and for the first time, you can see right through him.

“It’s not your fault, y/n.” Is he a mind reader too? The thought that always circles your mind when Christmas draws near is not only that Jaehyun is gone forever, but how you could have prevented it all. The guilt eats you up and no matter how hard you’re searching for acceptance, it slips away from you before you have a chance.

When you don’t answer, Jaehyun heads over to your bed and he’s alarmed at how cold your hands are. “It was never your fault.” Your best friend pulls you into a hug, but it can barely be felt. What kind of hug can’t be felt?

“I never said it was.”

“No, but you thought about it.” The chilly draft causes you to shiver and it’s hard for you to concentrate on anything else besides the night of his death.

“I should have stopped you from coming over.” Although you’ve confessed this many times to him before, it never gets easier to say. Jaehyun sighs and ultimately frowns at your tears slipping from your eyes again. Like the snow that drifts from the heavens, your tears know no end to their downfall. It’s become too natural for them to appear. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder it is to stop from crying.

“It’s hard for me to speak about it since we don’t remember much of the same moments---”

“Jaehyun! I remember that night as clear as it was just yesterday that it happened.” There’s no reason to yell, but a strong sense of pain erupts from your chest.

He’s so calm at your sudden outburst, turning his head to face you with a deadpan expression. “You weren’t there, y/n. You were home, safe and sound as you should have been. I’m more than grateful that you’re the one alive.”

“I’m not!” But when the confession leaves your lips, you’re shaking and fearful. The entire room is stiff and silent. You couldn’t even believe what you had just said, wondering if that is anything close to truth. You look up at Jaehyun, who blinks at you with furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. “I mean,” you clear your throat in the midst of the tense atmosphere. “I could have saved you.”

“You’re not a hero and I didn’t need saving when I was already gone.” He taps his temples lightly, “full trauma to the head. It was just my time to go.”

“The secret. I wanted to know so bad that I didn’t stop you from coming in a snowstorm!” Jaehyun pats your head in an attempt to soothe your aching heart.

“And I wanted to tell you just as bad that I didn’t care about the snowstorm. y/n, stop blaming yourself for something that happened to me. The universe is much more complex than that, give it some credit.”

“You’re even philosophical as a ghost? Give me a fucking break.” Groaning, you pull the sheets over your head to somehow run away from the conversation.

Jaehyun lies down next to you, smiling cheekily to himself and glancing over at the lump that you had become underneath the blankets. “Do you remember the time I taught you how to ride a bike?”

“I thought it was your dad who taught me.” You grumble, tossing away the sheets to glance over at him. It always puzzled you how Jaehyun never remembered the same memories as you do, and even if you did, one of you remembered it differently.

“He was probably there as supervision. I was the one who helped you take off your training wheels and strap on your impressively thick knee pads.” You’re lying on your elbows now, fists pressing into your cheeks and a fond attentive gaze upon Jaehyun’s resting figure. He’s staring up at the ceiling that protects you two above, yet can cave in at any moment.

Dimples dip into his round supple cheeks as his toothy smile comes into view, reliving the happy memory. “You rang your little bell so many times that day.”

“Because I was scared!” You protest, muttering something incoherent. “Didn’t we go downhill when I said I wasn’t ready?”

“We went downhill because you said you were ready.” His hair ruffles in your sheets when he turns to face you, and he just takes your breath away. It’s the stars in his dark eyes that sweep you off your feet, like the gleaming star on top of a tree. The color that oozes from his smile, like Christmas lights that line a rooftop, make it hard not to stare. Jaehyun looks just like Christmas, the most wonderful thing of the year. In someway, he resembled an angel or the soft sheet of snow ready to fall right through.

You’re encompassed by overwhelming effervescent emotions from listening and watching Jaehyun glow and gleam. “Then, what?”

Jaehyun’s low chuckle illuminates the room, dazzling the boring grey interior. “Little ol’ you, hurt yourself real bad that day, scrapes and wounds you thought you’d never heal from. You didn’t talk to me for a week, but you ended up learning how to ride a bike.”

“Is that right?”

Jaehyun rests on his side now, only an elbow supporting his body and he’s leaning in close to your face, you’re almost too sure you could feel a breath on your lips. “No matter how painful it gets, I’m always here to push you through it all.”

When your heart beats sporadically at his proximity, you didn’t realize that you are holding in a breath, being quite afraid that if you let it out, it would simply blow him away for the night. And you’re not ready for him to leave you again.

Christmas Eve;

It had to be a miracle that anyone got a hold of you this week when Johnny comes practically banging at your door. Though you are so close to ignoring his loud thumping, the sound of your boyfriend’s soft sniffles alarms you greatly.

“y/n, holy shit!” It’s deja vu when you’re in his arms again, a horribly warped version of it when the smell of peppermint bark tickles your nostrils disgustingly. “I thought something happened to you. You weren’t answering my calls or texts.”

“My one wish for Christmas was to be left alone and I meant it.” The attitude in your voice becomes jarringly evident and Johnny blinks back at you with a new found annoyance as well.

“Can you at least think of the other people around you?” He holds your shoulders lightly, but staring into his eyes seems to be harder to do lately. Jaehyun appears on the couch, lying flat on his stomach and a hand resting underneath his chin. This is no longer a private conversation, but you learned long ago that no one else can see him.

“Who are you talking about? My family? Because they’ve all given up on me.” This is the first time Johnny has seen you act so cold and distant, yet entirely vulnerable. You’re stripped of everything that you usually hide in --- oversized clothes, happy smiles, and a beaming warmth.

All Johnny ever wants is for you to be loved, not only by him, but by the world. And interestingly enough, he loved you for your vulnerability and your rawness. This is until he realizes, in this moment, that it stems from your trauma of losing Jaehyun.

“What about me, y/n? I’m still here.” Johnny is frantic, and by all means, hurt by your aloofness. Brushing off his hands from your body, you’re taking several steps away from him.

“And why are you still here when I kept telling you to leave me alone? Whenever I was upset, Jaehyun always gave me space! Haven’t ever thought about how that is something I need?” You’re saying nonsensical statements that are fueled by anger and annoyance.

He’s pushing your limits and for once, you’re pushing him away. But this isn’t new to you, in fact, you’ve pushed so many people away just like this and that’s why they’ve decided to just let you be.

Johnny is taken aback, “you know, I feel like I’m competing with Jaehyun and I’ve never even met him.”

You scoff and throw your arms in the air, visibly in disbelief at what your boyfriend is saying to you. May you lose your temper, you’re unsure about the future of this relationship. Yet, something in your cruel and painful heart no longer cared, snapping your wits and patience at your beloved.

“What are you saying?” You’re pacing back and forth, fuming with an inexplicable infuriation. Jaehyun catches your eye, and for a brief moment, you’re holding eye contact with him instead. “Jaehyun is dead,” facing Johnny now, you say words that jumble in your chest, regardless of their true meanings, “and even if he was alive, there would be no competition.”

“Because you were always going to choose him over everyone else in your life, is that right? Exactly like how you do now.” Johnny’s words sting like daggers at your skin, worse than the layer of frost that bites at you for the past two weeks.

“Please, don’t attack me for hurting.” With that, your voice breaks and cracks all over. Your tears hit the ground without you feeling them run down your cheeks.

Johnny is quick to wipe them away, not minding that his hands will now be wet from your salty droplets. He instantly regrets it all, the unwarranted questions, the fighting, the barging in unexpectedly. It pains him more to see you like this.

“I apologize. I’m sorry that I’m not saying the kindest words to you when you need to hear them the most.” Your partner is frowning, a true rare sight to see. “But, you’re still grieving and there is going to have to be a time that you move on.”

It’s one of those tip of the iceberg moments or when the ball finally hits the ground and a rush of cathartic enthusiasm washes over you. However, you’re not happy. You’re not even remotely close to happiness. You’re fucking sad, you’re aching with a pain so deeply rooted that it isolates you, that it rips apart anything that used to bring you joy.

And this causes you to scream your lungs out, sobs that choke you up. “I can’t! You don’t understand, no one understands! I just fucking can’t. He was my best friend and that night… he was going to tell me something.” Jaehyun can’t bear to hear your piercing wails, as he’s disappeared completely from the setting. When you’re panicked and searching for him, you only see Johnny staring back at you with a very concerned expression.

“And I will never know what he wanted to tell me.” Your tone grows soft and rather delicate, like a sad realization at the possibility that the secret died with Jaehyun that night.

“Some things are better left unknown. Do you really think you’ll feel better knowing?”

“Listen to him, y/n.” Jaehyun randomly appears next to Johnny’s stature. He stands a few inches shorter than him, but the sight of them together has you blinking in awe.

You’re darting between the two of them, “I don’t know what will make me feel better.”

“Come, tonight. Your whole family wants to see you for the one holiday that brings people together.” But when Johnny steps forward, you’re taking a step back.

“Please, just go.” With an assertive point to the door, your head does not lift up to watch your boyfriend leave. Despite every person you’ve done this to, Johnny’s hurts the most. His flame dies out tonight, providing no sense of security or heat. And with a toss of his arms of exasperation, he shuts your front door and leaves without a goodbye, without wishing you a merry Christmas.

Jaehyun calls your name, but you’re rushing to your bedroom and slamming the door shut. “Don’t you dare travel through the wall.”

Your apartment has grown so dark due to the shorten winter days. It’s pitch black all around you and the sky is no longer a deafening white. It’s the first time you notice the dark blue scattered clouds and the intricate snowflakes that drift carefully down to the streets. And, you’re all alone in the quietness. You truly are isolated every Christmas.

“y/n, let’s talk.” Jaehyun is beyond fed up with your behavior, that has to be the last straw. This is the first year since his death that he’s seen the evident spark in your eye, the hope that is hiding behind your depression. He sees it in the way Johnny looks at you, like you’re the greatest present he could receive in life. In your proclamation, as hard as it was to witness, is a spirit that wishes to be freed. There was a chance this year. There still is one.

“Jaehyun, you left me! You left all alone, and no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about you, it never works. In the end, no one is here for me like how you were.” Hands in your hair, you’re losing yourself at a rapid rate. It hurts to keep your eyes open, tears sting as they well up around the rims.

“Find a part of me in the people around you.” The door to your bedroom swings open and Jaehyun takes note of you by the window again. You want to leave, you want to be out there and he knows, before you can actually realize it yourself. You’re turning to face him and in the dark, he looks solid. He looks so real and whole.

“How do I do that?” It’s a genuine question that you’ve pondered before, but never feeling like you had the strength to do so. You’re always dwelling on your past with Jaehyun, indulging in the sacred memories only you two shared.

“What are things that you associate me with?” He is found leaning against your door frame again, hands are shoved into the pockets of his faded jeans.

You say the first thing on your mind, “snow.” When the words hit the air, your ceiling light flickers briefly. Jaehyun doesn’t flinch, however, still focused on your crying figure. Snow, the first sign of snowfall is when he appears for the winter.

“What else?” He encourages.

“Familiarity.” The light flashes again, for a mere second longer this time before it resumes darkness. Familiarity, for he grew up by your side for as long as you could remember.

There is an odd feeling that enters the room and you’re fearful of the unknown. But, Jaehyun’s cadence doesn’t falter, he’s not distracted by the random spurts of light. And if anything, it all could be his doing. “Keep going.”

“Comfort.” Flicker. “Warmth. Love. Excitement.” With each word, the light builds stronger and stronger. You’re speaking memories into existence now, “making snow angels until it got dark, laughing until our stomachs hurt, watching movies until the clock struck midnight, dancing until our legs gave out!”

Streams run down your face and you’re yelling until your throat feels raw, but you don’t wish to stop as the light glows brighter and brighter with each spoken word.

As you listen to every listed attribute and memory, you recognize a central theme in all of them and one thing that Jaehyun embodies, the one thing he’s always been associated with.

“Christmas.” A shaky breath exhales and a loud spark pierces your ears. The light illuminates intensely all around you, lighting up the darkest corners of your room and blinding you more than the sky has been lately.

“Jaehyun?” Closing your eyes, you can see the brightness through your eyelids and you’re beyond confused as to what is happening. When you mindlessly reach for his hand, you actually feel it and your heart is soaring due to strange unquestionable physics.

Jaehyun intertwines your hand in his own and caresses your face gently. For once, he doesn’t feel cold. He’s blazing hot, melting away the long days of isolation. “Open your eyes, y/n.”

What lies before you is an incredible, marvelous sight. Snow dusts the roof of your family’s house as green, red, yellow bulbs light the frame of it. Your parents really went all out; round snowmen sit perfectly together on your lawn. A decorative wreath hangs at the front door and a distinct chuckle catches your attention.

From the window that looks into your kitchen, your mother rolls a sheet of dough on the counter as clouds of flour erupt around her. Your father is preoccupied at the stove, with the silliest gimmicks for decorating the feast they’re about to hold. Silver tinsel line the dinner table with a festive table cloth draped upon it. The remarkable tree shines in the center of the living room, a glimmering star on top. 

“I know we probably won’t see y/n again this Christmas…” The sound of your mother’s voice rings a bell in your yearning heart and Jaehyun is gazing at you with a wondrous look in his eyes. The grip on his hand is tight, your breath enters the night in puffs of smoke, and regardless of this all being real or imaginary, you’re so immersed in this reality that he knows you’re anticipating what your family has to say.

“... but something about this year really makes me miss them.” Your mother puts the rolling pin off to the side and rests her hand on the kitchen counter, trying to hold back any form of her own tears from falling.

“May Jaehyun watch over them tonight, our little angel doesn’t deserve to be alone.”

Your dad walks over to embrace your mother in a long hug, kissing the top of her head gently. “Merry Christmas, y/n.” Your father speaks into the air, without the knowledge of you outside, he’s thinking of you.

Something in your heart shatters, but it’s entirely different from the pain you’ve felt over the years following Jaehyun’s death. It’s a warm, bubbly feeling that spreads across your chest and you’re covering your mouth out of pure shock at the sight of your parents.

Your parents, who you’ve neglected every holiday season, still think of you. You recognize the ingredients that scatter the table, they make your favorite dish every year in hopes you’ll come join them. 

Jaehyun whispers, “y/n, know that I’m always going to be here. I may physically be gone, but I live in your heart and the joyous memories we’ve shared together. I live through the many people who love you now, through Christmas. This spirit is also very much alive in the other people around you.”

When you peel your eyes from the scene of your parents, the vision suddenly disappears and you’re facing Jaehyun right back in your cold, empty, dark apartment. But you wish the moment lasted a little longer. For the first time in a long time, you wish to be with your loved ones. You wish to celebrate Christmas with the people who still care about you, the ones that are still alive and well.

“What if I’m not ready?”

“This signifies my final push down the hill. You’re all strapped up in your knee pads, y/n. You’re never truly going to be ready, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.” Jaehyun pats your head lovingly and mimics the motions of securing a helmet on your head.

You’re letting go of his hand, running around quickly in search for the appropriate outerwear for the snow. It’s like a switch went off in your heart and a cathartic feeling settles in the pit of your stomach.

Every Christmas since his passing, you thought it was best to be alone. You thought it was selfish to live your favorite holiday season without your best friend, that you lost the spirit of Christmas.

However, this entire time… Jaehyun’s ghost has been a reminder that the Christmas spirit has always been alive. It’s not about the enthusiastic festive events or the cheerful themed activities or the distinct colorful decorations, it’s about the appreciation and love you have for the people who have made your year so special. You’ve associated the holiday so much with your best friend, that you’ve lost sight of it in your family, your current friends, your own boyfriend.

When you’re rushing out the door, you stop in your tracks and peer back at Jaehyun leaning against your door frame, just as he appeared a few weeks ago. He has the warmest, brightest smile on his face, “y/n, I think I finally remember the secret I wanted to tell you.” You’re afraid of the answer and the outside world, but your hand doesn’t slip from the door handle. Could it really be? The long anticipated secret that has been gnawing at your conscience since his death?

Nevertheless, he’s giggling and holding his stomach slightly from the immense amount of joyous laughter. “I wanted to tell you that I... finally learned how to shave.”  

At first, you’re stunned at the simplicity of the beheld secret. All this time, you thought it had been something so meaningful, something so mind blowing, that needing to know practically destroyed your mental state. Then, a wholehearted and genuine laugh erupts from inside of you and you’re lighting up the darkest parts of yourself. Jaehyun looks at you fondly, like a beauty that he hasn’t seen in awhile. 

“That’s fucking it? You came out in the middle of a blizzard to tell me you learned how to shave? How lame.”

Jaehyun chuckles, “when did I ever need an extremely valid reason to see you?” The laughter falls short at his confession and in the midst of all this enthusiasm, you bid him the softest smile. His purpose has been fulfilled, as the best version of you he’s always known and loved stands before him at last. 

“I guess... you’re right. What’s going to happen to you now?”

“I’ll always be here for Christmas, even when you’re old and grey surrounded by the warmth of your loved ones in front of a large, extravagant Christmas tree. When the snow falls, I’ll be here.” Jaehyun’s dimple smile is the lasting image you see, the one you’ve always hoped to remember him by.  

“Merry Christmas, Jung Jaehyun… I--”

“Love you too, y/n. Merry Christmas.” He ushers you out the door with a small kiss on your knuckles.

That is the last time you ever see him again. Now, when the snow falls, it marks the anniversary of your long awaited healing, the journey to acceptance, and the beloved memory of your best friend. May you never lose the spirit of Christmas and the warmth from your loved ones.